#98 The Ivy League

The Ivy League is expensive, exclusive, located in the North East, and features beautiful old buildings. All of these things are beloved by white people so logically it would seem that they all love the Ivy League. But this is not true!

White people have a tortured relationship with the Ivy Leagues, and if you broach the subject in the wrong way you can offend and even anger a white person.

But before getting into the more nuanced aspects of the subject, it’s important to know that all white people believe they have the intelligence and work ethic required to attend an Ivy League school. The only reason they did not actually go to one is that they chose not to participate in the “dog and pony show” required to gain acceptance. White people also like to believe that they were not born into a privileged (enough) family to get legacy admission. This should always be at the back of your mind as you talk to a white person about the Ivy League.

Once you have determined that a white person did not attend an Ivy League School, you should try to give them the opportunity to explain why their school was actually a superior educational experience. Some easy ways to do this are to mention grade inflation, professors who value research over teaching, or high tuition costs. Any one of these will set a white person off on a multi-minute rant.

When they have finally run out of arguments about why they chose the right school, you should say “I knew a whole bunch of people who went to Harvard and none of them work as hard or are as smart as you.” This is a very effective technique for gaining acceptance since white people need constant reassurance that they are smart and that they made the right choice with their life.

If you actually went to an Ivy League school, you will been seen as a threat so prepare for a lot of questions from white people. They will constantly ask questions about how much work you had, the type of students at the school, the professors, your dorm room, your reading lists, and they will try so hard to figure out your SAT score. They desperately need a source of comparison so that they need to figure out if you are actually smarter than them. In fact, the only way to stop this line of questioning is to imply that you only got in because of your minority status. Once you say that, white people will stop feeling threatened since they can now believe they too would have been accepted to an Ivy League school if they were a minority. It also gives them a personal story about the effectiveness of Affirmative Action.

White people also like to call their school “The Harvard of the <insert region or conference>”. Do not challenge this, it will ruin their confidence.

Stuff White People Like Book Cover Released

Stuff White People Like: A Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions

By: Christian Lander

Available July 1st, 2008 from:

Amazon (Pre-Order)

Barnes and Noble (Pre-Order)

Book Sense

Borders

Powell’s

In Canada:

Indigo/Chapters (Pre-Order)

#97 Scarves

White People’s body temperatures do not operate on logical or consistent levels, and because of this white people are often forced to wear clothing combinations that might seem strange or illogical. One popular example is the performance vest which solves the age old problem of cold chest hot arms. Another common combination is wearing shorts with a sweatshirt which helps bring about comfort when your upper body is chilly but your lower half is sweltering. But without a doubt, the one piece of clothing that helps to regulate white body temperature in all situations is the scarf.

During winter months, it’s no surprise to find white people all bundled up with scarves around their neck - it just makes sense. But even as the weather warms up and the other layers start to fall off, the scarf remains.

It is not uncommon to see a white person in jeans, a sweater and a scarf. In fact, it’s not a rare occurance to see a white person in a t-shirt, jeans, and a scarf. Thats right. A thin cotton t-shirt paired with a scarf to enable maximum temperature control in bars and places with air conditioning

But not all white people wear the scarves for temperature reasons. A well made scarf can be an essential part of a white ensemble, allowing for all-important differentiation from other white people wearing the exact same clothes as them. Thus allowing them to be picked out of the crowd for dating or mocking purposes

“I like the guy in the white American Apparel shirt with the glasses.”

“Which one? there are eight.”

“The guy with the keffiyeh.”

“Oh yeah, you’re right. He does look smarter and more political than the other guys. He’s clearly more sensitive to wind, so he’s probably more sensitive in general. You should totally date him.”

Along with making up a key part of the white wardrobe, scarves also function as a vital pillar of the white gift economy. Due to their relative ease of creation, many white people (especially women) like to knit scarves for friends and lovers. For this reason alone, if you find yourself needing a new scarf but not a long term relationship, dating a white woman might be the easiest and most cost effective solution.

Photo by hongkiu

White People in the News: Education Special

Les Enfants Vert Finally Have a Home

By: Alexandra Zissu

New York Magazine, April 13, 2008.

Summary

In spite of the recent ban on the New York Times, New York Magazine came through with an essential article for white person research. It seems as though regular private schools are simply not white enough for many parents. As a result a French ex-pat in New York has opened a French language Preschool, in New York, with $13,000 tuition, features environmentally friendly products and organic food.

This school also helps to give white parents one more reason for not sending their children to public school. “Public schools don’t have organic food, I can’t have my child eating pesticides. So I’m not racist, I’m just concerned over the food health of my child.”

Stuff Mentioned

• Multilingual Children
• Gifted Children (implied)
• Manhattan (Now Brooklyn Too!)
• Whole Foods
• Organic Food
• Private School (Future Post)

Link to School to Prove it is real

http://www.lepetitparadispreschool.com/

Side Note:

Stuff White People Like will be speaking at ROFLCon tomorrow in Boston at 1:30 p.m

Thanks to Alyson for sending this in.

#96 New Balance Shoes

Because white tastes in shoes can change so quickly, it’s not recommended that you ever talk to a white person about shoes. Over the years they have embraced (and eventually disowned) Uggs, Birkenstocks, Earth Shoes, and most recently Crocs. If it’s popular, the chances are that the clock is ticking down to it’s imminent doom. One mention of your affinity for selected footwear could undo all of your hard work.

There is, however, one exception: New Balance running shoes. All white people own a pair! Seriously, next time you are at a casual party where guests are encouraged to take off their shoes take a look by the door at the veritable rainbow of New Balance sneakers.

But why do white people love them so uniformly? It is pretty simple really. A few years ago it came out that Nike (and other manufacturers) were producing their shoes in Asian sweatshops and then selling them for a very high profit margin. White people were outraged, they generally prefer that children in developing nations first finish high school before working in shoe-producing sweatshops. Otherwise they might look foolish when their co-workers are talking about Catcher in the Rye.

This enormous guilt over child labor meant that white people started to stop wearing Nike shoes. Subsequently they were left to find a company that used fair labor practices to make shoes for the sports that they loved most: jogging, hiking, cross-country running, marathons, walking and being seen in retro-sneakers.

With factories in New England (include three in Maine!) and an extensive lineup of shoes that were meant only for running, New Balance was in the ideal position to both produce and distribute a product to the lucrative markets of white people conveniently located in the region. They quickly spread nationally and joined outdoor performance clothes as an essential part of the white uniform.

When you meet a person wearing New Balance shoes it is a good idea to ask them about the marathon for which they are inevitably training. If they say “I’m not training for a marathon,” this is a good opportunity to raise your status by saying “oh, I thought only runners wore those. My running club all wear New Balance except for a few jerks who won’t shut up about Asics. I’m still a bit sore from the 10k run this morning.”

This is an extremely effective move since white people who jog are generally viewed as being better than white people who don’t. Although perhaps it’s more accurately stated that white people who jog feel the need to constantly prove they are better than white people who don’t.

Note: It is considered a legendary white male move to play basketball in a pair of New Balance. Lots of layups.

White People in the News - April 16th

“Scavengers on the Urban Savannah“

The New York Times, Sunday April 13th, 2008

by Guy Trebay

Stuff Mentioned

• Vintage
• Having Gay Friends (Extra points for Transgender here)
  
• Awareness
• Manhattan (Now Brooklyn too!)
• Graduate School
• Hating Corporations
• Gentrification
• Diversity

Best Quote:

“I graduated Princeton in ’92 and moved to Williamsburg in ’03,” [Mr. Butler, the Brooklyn Flea Market organizer] explained. “I bought on old fixer-upper in ’04 and started the site, and I realized I was miserable working on Wall Street and that Manhattan was only for rich people and felt played.”

“Brooklyn, and particularly Fort Greene with its heterogeneous population, had “so much more soul and texture,” observed Mr. Butler (who actually lives in Clinton Hill), echoing a view voiced by many before him, probably beginning with Walt Whitman or, anyway, Spike Lee.”

Worth Noting

Please take a look at the slideshow to show the fantastic “texture” of people at the event.

Change in Policy

The white people of New York have been properly documented. This experiment has shown that they are featured in at least one article in every Sunday New York Times. As a result, we have concluded our study of white people in the New York Times and will no longer take submissions from the New York Times. Instead, we hope to expand our search to help document how white people thrive in environments other than New York

#95 Rugby

If you’ve been in a white person’s apartment or home you might have noticed a ball that looks like a cross between an egg and a football. It is a Rugby ball and it is an important sport for white people.

They love Rugby for a number of reasons, the first of which is the fact that it is not very popular in North America. In fact, it is even less popular than soccer which gives a white person that all important edge in the contest to see who likes the most obscure sport. Though this is important, it is not the real reason why white people love the sport so much.

Rugby’s greatest appeal lies in its uniforms.

Unlike other sports where jerseys are made out of nylon or mesh, Rugby jerseys are like thick sweatshirts with collars! In fact there is no other jersey on earth that can move so seamlessly from the playing field to the farmers market

Many white people first acquire a love of rugby during their high school and college years by playing either for a school team or in the case of highly advanced white people-part of an intramural league. In fact, many white people will continue to play the sport into their early 30s at local parks on Saturday morning. If you are looking to expand your group of white friends, you would be wise to get yourself invited to one of these games. However, you should be prepared to have your crotch grabbed.

Though playing the sport is the most common way for white people to become interested in Rugby, a great number of them pick up a taste for the game while studying abroad in Australia or New Zealand. Like soccer, they are given the chance to purchase a scarf of their adopted team, but more importantly they can acquire a Rugby jersey. Unlike a soccer scarf, they can wear this garment all year long which provides for a more reliable trinket that can be used to initiate conversations about their time down under. For extra credit, some white people will declare that they are into Australian Rules Football and not Rugby. If you wish to friend this person, it’s best to ask them about the differences in rules because they will be thrilled to tell you.

Aside from playing the game with white people, there is one other surefire way to use rugby for your own personal gain. If you have determined that the white person you are talking to prefers rugby over soccer, it is strongly advised that you say: “you know, American Football players might be bigger, but rugby players are so much tougher.” Their response will be to tell you about how Football players are weak because they wear pads. This will be followed by a knowing nod or wink in your direction and an invitation to join them for a game on the weekend.

White Problems: Poorly Read Partners

“It’s Not you, it’s Your Books”
by Rachel Donadio
The New York Times, March 30th, 2008

“We’ve all been there. Or some of us have. Anyone who cares about books has at some point confronted the Pushkin problem: when a missed — or misguided — literary reference makes it chillingly clear that a romance is going nowhere fast. At least since Dante’s Paolo and Francesca fell in love over tales of Lancelot, literary taste has been a good shorthand for gauging compatibility.”

Stuff White People Like examines the issue: Can you date someone who is not well read?

Yes:

Dating someone who is not as well read as you is a good idea since these type of people are more easily manipulated in terms of both actions and future tastes in books. The ability to entirely craft the literary tastes of your partner is highly desirable as it reinforces your own impeccable taste and allows you to play a literary version of Henry Higgins

No:

In social situations there is a good chance that an poorly read person will admit to not having read Nabokov beyond Lolita or that they are unfamiliar with Umberto Eco’s essays on reading. Of course, there is the off-chance that they might commit intellectual and social suicide by asking your friends if they “loved The Da Vinci Code as much I did?” This is extremely embarrassing and reflects poorly on them. Ultimately, their actions are more of a statement about you and your inability to date someone of adequate literary experience.

Final Call:

It is recommended that you date and then subsequently dump someone who is considered “poorly read,” simply for the story. It will show your commitment to the importance of books and reading. But beyond that singular experience it is unacceptable to seriously date anyone who has not read the right books.

Thanks to Jake Adler for sending the article.

#94 Free Healthcare

In spite of having access to the best health insurance and fanciest hospitals, white people are passionate about the idea of socialized medicine. So much so that they have memorized statistics and examples of how for-profit medicine has destroyed the United States.

But before you can exploit this information for personal gain, it’s important that you understand why white people are so in love with free health care.

The first and most obvious reason is “they have it Europe.” White people love all things European, this especially true of things that are unavailable in the United States (Rare Beers, Absinthe, legal marijuana, prostitution, soccer). The fact that it’s available in Canada isn’t really that impressive, but it does contribute to their willingness to threaten to move there.

These desires were only heightened in 2007 when Michael Moore released “Sicko,” a documentary that contrasts the health care industry in the United States with that of Canada, France and Cuba. As a general rule of thumb, white people are always extra passionate about issues that have been the subject of a Moore documentary. As a test, ask them about 9/11, Gun Control, or Health Care and then say “where did you get that information?” You will not be surprised at the results.

But the secret reason why all white people love socialized medicine is that they all love the idea of receiving health care without having a full-time job. This would allow them to work as a freelance designer/consultant/copywriter/photographer/blogger, open their own bookstore, stay at home with their kids, or be a part of an Internet start-up without having to worry about a benefits package. Though many of them would never follow this path, they appreciate having the option.

If you need to impress a white person, merely mention how you got hurt on a recent trip Canada/England/Sweden and though you were a foreigner you received excellent and free health care. They will be very impressed and likely tell you about how powerful drug and health care lobbies are destroying everything.

Though their passion for national health care runs deep, it is important to remember that white people are most in favor of it when they are healthy. They love the idea of everyone have equal access to the resources that will keep them alive, that is until they have to wait in line for an MRI.

This is very similar to the way that white people express their support for public schools when they don’t have children.

White People in the News - April 2nd

Sisters in Idiosyncrasy

By: Noam Cohen

The New York Times, March 30, 2008

Stuff Mentioned (16, a new record!)

• San Francisco
• Architecture
• Manhattan Now Brooklyn Too!
• Writers Workshops
• Non profit organizations
• Diversity
• Plays
• T-shirts
• Graduate School
• Bicycles
• Microbreweries
• Having gay friends
• Gentrification
• Toyota Prius
• Living by the Water
• The Sunday New York Times

Implied Stuff

Literally everything else.

Stuff Mentioned that will become future posts:

• Facebook
• McSweeneys

Thanks to Kristin for being the first of many to send this in.  She would like everyone to check out http://www.storyofstuff.com/

Stuff White People Like Bought by Target

MINNEAPOLIS, MN (PR Newswire) - The Target Corporation (TGT) has purchased the popular blog “Stuff White People Like” (http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com).

Starting April 1st, 2008 the nation’s second largest retailer will use the site as a promotional tool.

“We are thrilled at the opportunity,” says Ennis Blentic, Senior VP of Marketing at Target. “It’s a great chance for us to connect with some of our most valued customers and let them know about our great product line for 2008 and beyond.”

The company plans to have the regular writers do one post per week with the rest of the week devoted to posts that inform and educate customers about Target products.

The first campaign to be featured on the site will be for Target’s new line of Fresh Organic foods called “Tanner Farms.”

The brand new product line promises to deliver top quality organic vegetables, fruit, meat, organic cereal, chocolate, bread, and pasta to every Target store throughout the United States.

“We feel as though our customers would be better served if we offered a full organic grocery option in all of our locations,” says Blentic. “We can’t think of a better way to promote than through this amazing viral blog. We are also hoping to add user generated content where people can send stories, videos, and art about how they use Target organic foods in their daily lives.”

Blog founders Christian Lander and Myles Valentin will be retained as consultants.

“I’m really happy to be working with Target,” says Lander. “I think this is a great partnership and a true step forward in the future of advertising.”

“White people love Target!” joked Valentin. “But in all seriousness, we could not have selected a better corporate partner. I think Target’s new organic line will really change the way that people eat and shop.”

Regular readers of the site will be offered free shipping on their next order at Target.com with the code “STUFFWHITEPEOPLELIKE.”

About Target

Minneapolis-based Target serves guests at 1,613 stores in 47 states nationwide by delivering today’s best retail trends at affordable prices. Target is committed to providing guests with great design through innovative products, in-store experiences and community partnerships. Whether visiting a Target store or shopping online at Target.com, guests enjoy a fun and convenient shopping experience with access to thousands of unique and highly differentiated items.

Update: White People enjoy April Fools 

#93 Music Piracy

White people have always been renowned for having ridiculously large music collections. So when file sharing gave white people a chance to acquire all the music they ever wanted, it felt as though it was an earned right and not a privilege.

When (not if) you see a white male with a full iPod, ask him if all of his music is legal. If he does not immediately launch into a diatribe about his right to pirate music, you might have to nudge him a bit by saying “do you think that’s right?” The response will be immediate and uniform.

He will likely rattle off statistics about how most musicians don’t make any money from albums, it all comes from touring and merchandise. So by attending shows, he is able to support the musicians while simultaneously striking a blow against multinational corporations. He will proceed to walk you through the process of how record labels are set up to reward the corporation and fundamentally rob the artist of their rights, royalties and creativity. Prepare to hear the name Steve Albini a lot.

Advanced white people will also talk about how their constant downloading of music makes them an expert who can properly recommend bands to friends and co-workers, thus increasing revenues and exposure. So in fact, their “illegal” activities are the new lifeblood of the industry.

When they have finished talking, you must choose your next words wisely. It is considered rude to point out the simple fact that they are still getting music for free. Instead you should say: “Wow, I never thought of it like that. You know a lot about the music industry. What bands are you listening to right now? Who is good?”

This sentence serves two functions: it helps to reassure the white person that they are your local “music expert,” something they prize. Also, it lets them feel as though they have convinced you that their activities are part of a greater social cause and not simple piracy.

If you bring up this issue with white person who says “nah bro, I don’t give a shit, Dave Matthews has enough money as it is.” You are likely dealing with wrong kind of white person.

In the even more rare situation where someone says “it’s all paid for, and it’s all transferred from vinyl.” You have found an expert level white person and must treat the situation carefully.

Because of the availability of music online, a very strict social hierarchy has been created within white culture whereby someone with a large MP3 collection is considered “normal,” a large CD collection is considered to be “better,” and a person with a large vinyl collection is recognized as “elite.”

These elite white people abhor the fact that music piracy has made their B-sides, live performances, and bootlegs available to the masses. Their entire life’s work has been stripped of its rarity in terms of both object and sound on the record. The best thing you can say to them is: “vinyl still sounds better.”

However, it is recommended that you do not let this conversation drag much longer. If you let them continue talking to you they are likely to spend hours talking to you about bands you’ve never heard of and providing you with a weekly mix CD of rarities that you do not want.

White Problems - Should children drink wine?

Can Sips at Home Prevent Binges?

By: Eric Asimov

The New York Times, March 26, 2008

“It usually doesn’t take. Most of the time kids — teenagers, anyway — would as soon snicker at their old man’s obsessions as indulge him. Even so, I can’t help hoping that my sons might share my taste in music and food, books and movies, ball teams and politics. Why should wine be any different?”

Stuff White People Like examines the issue: Should white children be allowed to drink wine?

Yes:

White people need to learn about wine as soon as possible. Not learning until college puts them at an inherent disadvantage to Europeans and white children raised abroad. It is strongly recommended that children learn about wine regions, vintages, terroir, and tannins in elementary school to give them that all important leg up when they reach college.

Being able to declare “my favorite wine as a child” in a conversation is recognized as more impressive than stories about extended visits to wine regions. In fact, it can only be topped by a story about opening your own vineyard.

No:

White people also enjoy binge drinking.

Final Call:

White children should drink wine. They should not be allowed to drink beer or other “party” liquors.

#92 Book Deals

The combination of white people and books has been a pretty solid combo for the past few hundred years. So whenever a white person is given a chance to write a book, it’s considered a pretty big deal. This is especially true when it happens to someone who started a blog that they never expected to reach more than 100 people.

Our research has slowed in recent weeks as we worked out the details, but Stuff White People Like are proud to announce that our textbook on white people is becoming a reality.

http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=9780812979916

The book will feature 2/3 all new content and is going to be released by Random House in August.

But that does not mean that the site will stop examining the stuff that white people like.

If you’d like to receive updates about the site or about the book, please sign up for the email subscription service on the right sidebar.

Also worth noting: white people like having their dreams come true when they least expected it. Thank you to every single person who has read the blog, written in, or shared it with their friends via email, IM, or personal blog. 
                                                                                                              - Christian

White People in the News March 25

The risk for iPhone users: They know too much

By Michelle Quinn
The Los Angeles, Times, March 22, 2008

Stuff Mentioned:

1. Sushi
2. Apple Products
3. Whole Foods
4. Microbreweries (implied)
5. Living by the Water

Also the greatest passage in history:

“Wil Shipley, a Seattle software developer, uses his iPhone at the Whole Foods fish counter to check websites for updates on which seafood is the most environmentally correct to purchase. He quizzes the staff on where and how a fish was caught. Because he carries the Internet with him, “I can be super-picky,” he said.”

Sent in by Stephen, an English grad student living in Florida, who likes the British site BeThinking.

If you have a White People in the News story that you’d like in, please send it along to stuffwhitepeoplelike@gmail.com, if you send in one we use on the site, we’ll give you a shout out and put up the link of your choice.