#14 Having Black Friends
January 21, 2008 by clander
From guest contributor Kristen Warner
Since we are on the verge of electing a black president, it seems important to explain why white people want black friends. Every white person wants a black friend like Barack: good-looking, well-spoken, and non-violent. Obviously, whites want black friends so as not to appear racist (see earlier Obama post). However, if we dig deeper what we notice about white people is not if they have black friends but in fact, how many black friends they have. White people like numbers. They like to count things like stars in the sky and the death toll at Mt. Everest and the number of times they’ve seen Tori Amos and/or Phish in concert. Counting the number of black friends is then clearly a divine imperative. The number of black friends white people possess also illustrates their comfort with black culture. Here’s a handy guide to the number system:
1—The white novice. This black friend is the gateway to helping white people understand gang signs and Vietnamese beauty supply stores. This black friend is probably the only black friend for many white people and when they all hang out (because white people hang out) they bring their “mutual” black friend with them.
2—The white black club-goer. Two black friends serve as bodyguards when white people go to black clubs to see how exactly one “pops, drops and locks” it.
3 -4—The white BET-er. See Justin Timberlake/ Robin Thicke/ Jon B for more information. For old school reference, see Michael McDonald.
5 and up—Impossible.
omg, omg. i’m laughing SO HARD RIGHT NOW…i love you my second black bff ever (sorry, but ramisha glover had you beat in the 7th grade….)
I pooped my pants
OMG quit pooping your pants!!! lol POOPY
http://www.tucc.org
What the h— does the colour of Jesus have to do with one darn thing?? Are you crazy?!? Jesus was only here to show us how to get in touch with the spiritual side to get us to, let’s say, where Enoch went. How is it that so many read, but can not ’see.’?
Black Man … Ummmm… no don’t think so … even forgetting he is the son of God so crosses all ethnic lines… he was from the children of Israel (as in pure blood from same stock as Middle Eastern peoples).
Italian style … NOT … was killed under Roman (yes Italian) rule, but forced, brought to and insisted he be charged, by the Jewish Leaders (same ethinic ppl he was born as).
The Jewish leaders had Christ crucified.
You don’t even have to read much of the Bible to know these things … go back to Sunday school and stop listening to the propoganda of bitter Presidential Candidates and Retired Preachers (who both have white blood in their gene pool and therefore are self haters and hypocrits).
Jesus was a Jew on His mother’s side, but his Father is catholic
Racist bastart
Jesus looked like Osama NOT Obama. Think about really hard.
I just don’t see how “Having no white identity” escaped the top posts? I mean that’s what liberalism and white guilt are all about. If you hate American whites so much I would take a look at where you are living (presumably America) and start shutting the hell up. Everything you have in this country was won with European blood and bullets. To think otherwise is a serious disregard for history.
You said “Everything you have in this country was won with European blood and bullets. To think otherwise is a serious disregard for history.”
That is scary that you think that. Everything in this country was WON? Man, it was murder. A terrorist style European attack - killing men, woman, and children just to steal a country.
Look here and see the best selling t-shirt that white people are buying http://www.culturallycool.com/naindex.html
I still can’t get over that word you used “WON” Where have you been? There a lot of culturallycool white people in this country and then there are ones like you that voted for Bush and backed the war in Iraq.
So you are saying that if one voted for Bush you are not a culturally cool white person. Hmmm that’s like saying if you voted for Clinton then you are a c@ck sucker. You draw inference based on your ignorance and bias. Both of you do!!! Every walk of life has contributed to this great country of ours. It’s not perfect but I believe it’s the one. Both of you guys are so close minded.
You said “Every walk of life has contributed to this great country of ours. It’s not perfect but I believe it’s the one. Both of you guys are so close minded.”
That is not what this is about. I was just making a point about what really happened and my comment about bush you see I only print his name in small letters. I have friends that voted for him and supported the war only to have their sons and daughters sent home in a body bag. If you are too close minded not to realize the truth about the reality of this topic. I feel sorry for you.
Have a blessed day.
I think it was fairly obvious that I was talking about murder. Although I wrote the word won as I followed it up with the words BLOOD and BULLETS. I’m glad you think that sales of t-shirt some how sums up the zeitgeist of a nation but i’d beg to differ. It also seems that you are under the impretion that I’m some sort of Republican. Truth be told I would like to see all capitalist business criminals machine gunned this would include all major Republicans (don’t worry i would’nt leave out the Dem. either).
Food for thought. Now as I instructed before go and brush up on your history.
P.S.- Zinn and Chompsky are socio-political kindergarteners. Read a book written by a real mighty man of history. It may change the way you view me.
so?
3 things:
1. america was built upon critical souls - philosophers who inspired the people with a revolutionary constitution.
mere patriotism without being critical in terms of time seems like treason… are you a snitch?
2. does being white push you in closer relationship to thomas jefferson? how responsible are you for the instantaneous dominance of “european values”?
3. did you ever consider being the outcome of one single sperm, that swam against potential nobelprize winners, top athletes? maybe there was one or another genious variation!? but you won.
victory number two: you got born before your mum died.
victory number three: your mum was white.
victory number four: you’re male.
victory number five: born in the USA.
i guess sperm’s not considered a creature, when abortion is not considered murder, so i can’t even give you credit for the first victory. and for number two to five: i believe to answer a sane mans posting, who would not dare to claim to have found the transcedent secret behind the secret of life itself: how does sole come into our bodies? and where does it come from?
i as hopefully you too believe, that there’s no thing such as different bowls for soles for different species, right?
(why do i care? “white people like being smart asses in communities, even though they suck doing that in real life.”
I got about three lines in and either you lost me or I stopped caring. Not sure which. I guessing you are foreign?
You should teach of a valuable lesson in race relations by having a group of about 10 “inner city” youths live with you for a year. Or at least until you are found dead, whatever works.
It’s “pop, lock, and drop it” …and I guess I would have been that one black friend! Also…Pop, Lock, and Drop It is old!!!!! You should post that more SWPL is to be BEHIND on the trends as they pertain to their one black friend!
http://www.msfriendly.wordpress.com
this is straight up bullshit barrack sucks he beleives in abortion,he cant even respect the pledge and his preacher hates whites.get ahold of yourselves have some whitepride for once
WOW. Sup with these racist folks.
In all honesty, I don’t think these fools live in modern times. I swear.
The elections can tell you that Educated White folks knows that racism and racial inferiority is nothing but crap.
While the uneducated, blue collars white folks are still living in the past (thats why they aint making no money) .They can suck on a spanner for all I care.
The south lost and thats that. Move forward and let us all enjoy our country.
MuaHH
He may not eve believe in abortion, he may just want the nomination, so he appeals to ALL the Democrats. Hillary is pretty much a Republican pretending to be a Democrat, she’s conservative enough… Anyway, what is with all that garbage about treating veterans better than the rest of us? Better healthcare? If Bush hadn’t started the war in the first place, there wouldn’t be that many veterans. Veterans put their lives on the line, they get paid, it’s done. What about the U.S. Coast Guard? Air Force? They help protect us too, and Police. They see more action than most of the military forces. Astronauts put their lives on the line, and they can be up in space for 4 years!
Hillary is a fag..
http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/player.jhtml?ml_video=79395&ml_collection=&ml_gateway=&ml_gateway_id=&ml_comedian=79390&ml_runtime=&ml_context=comedian&ml_origin_url=%2Fcomedians%2Fbrowse%2Fw%2Fkatt_williams.jhtml%3Fdisplay%3Dvideos&ml_playlist=&lnk=&is_large=true
[...] the it less of a tourist attraction than the Wrigley bleachers (Unlike having black friends see post #14, it is not yet cool to have Hispanic [...]
meh. while most of the posts are spot on, this one was weak. seemd like a cheap attempt to work in the ‘cool black friend’ theory of obama’s popularity among white people.
obama, or any of the other black folks white people might consider inviting to social outings don’t know any more about ‘gang signs and Vietnamese beauty supply stores’ than white people.
to know about these things is usually called ‘acting black’ by black people who know about them. black people who don’t know about them (or pretend not to) are generally considered to be ‘acting white’ by these people.
when white people encounter black people who ‘act black’ (like maybe the black guy who works in the warehouse on ‘The Office’ - MOCKUMENTARIES NEED TO BE ADDED TO THE LIST OF STUFF WHITE PEOPLE LIKE) - they are extremely friendly, and use an absurd amount of verbal sugar to mask their terror that they might say the wrong thing (like asking the ‘black’ black guy about the NBA, instead of what was on NPR) and exposing themselves as the type of person that white people hate most: a white ‘racist.’
it’s natural to ask ‘white’ black people what was on NPR, of course he was listening while reading the sunday NYT edition, or on the way to breakfast.
‘black’ white people (sometimes referred to as ‘wiggers’ by ‘racist’ white people and un-’racist’ black people) are tolerated if they are good at sports, can get drugs, are dating a ‘white’ white girl in the white persons social circle, or connected in the entertainment industry.
spot on!!!! Anyway, I do like the Michael McDonald reference and would like to add the old school woman version : Teena Marie AKA Lady T.
LOL.
you are SO on. This was a weak one. One of the topics for the list could be WRITING ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE, GETTING IT TOTALLY WRONG AND NEVER KNOWING.
I have to add your last paragraph got it on the nose. I laughed so so so hard with recognition and pain and joy all at the same time.
Best,
the prep school negro.
Look out for my upcoming film!
Could you be anymore right….
Lol, listening to NPR doesn’t make you white. What’s wrong with being informed? Do you white people want us to be just like the stereotypes and all put our hair in cornrows, pierce our ears, wear do rags, talk like we’re from the ghetto (even if we’re not), and be poor? I’m soooo tired of the people that call you ‘white’ just because u don’t act like something you’re not and fit into their little idea of what being black is. Real black people, who came from Africa (in my case, Nigeria) or whose parents came from Africa, know that in Africa, cornrows are a WOMAN’S hairdo. Although, they all want to believe what they see some rapper (who probably looked at one picture and decided to do his hair like that) on tv do.
um… Obama is as much white as he is black.
really tired of the reference of him as black.
he’s mixed, half black half white.
if you want to talk about people like Jesse Jackson, who was a presidential nominee, and 100% black, then ok.
but i also believe Barack has gotten his attention because he is half black.
And this is a racist assertion, as having a drop of black blood in you automatically makes you 100% black, comes from Jim Crowe law days.
Anyways, lame post out of a generally funny site…
He’s Black!
I THINK YOU ALL ARE STUPID IF YOU THINK THIS STUFF IS FUNNY I THINK YOU ALL ARE MAKING A FOOL OF YOURSELVES GOOD LUCK IN BECOME PRODUCTIVE PEOPLE
r u serious? lighten up.
The man has a white mother, how can he be black?
He’s half black, and he’s half white, so he is black AND white…. do you get it now? Having one drop of white blood doesn’t make you white.
Lmao at the fact that because American still thinks the “One Drop Rule” is a reality, that someone can look at Jessie Jackson and say in all seriousness that he’s 100% black.
Christ…
“And this is a racist assertion, as having a drop of black blood in you automatically makes you 100% black, comes from Jim Crowe law days.”
Actually, the “one drop” law is from slavery times… That was the way white slave owners were able to have peace of mind after raping a black slave and fathering a child. During slavery times any child born to a slave mother was considered a slave themselves although a white slave owner was their father. And since maternity established a persons’ slave status it allowed the slave owner to continue to ” breed” new slaves withouht having to purchase new ones.
Somebody finally got it right!! If every one …(except some who were born in isolated areas like Japan before world wars) would realize none I mean none of us are 100% of anything…..
My parents are from Nigeria, in a small little village. None of my ancestors were taken into slavery. I think its safe to say that we’re 100% percent black.
We need that to apply today, so we can go out rape.
Sorta like that freaky Austrian guy who kept inbreeding his own sex-slave children to keep locked down in his basement all those years. Hey this could be #101 White People Like to Lock Sex Slaves Down in Their Basements.
Yeah , it seems that only white guys are serial killers and pedophiles etc.
Is gardening on this list?
White people love gardening.
Gardening and serial killing go together.
“And this is a racist assertion, as having a drop of black blood in you automatically makes you 100% black, comes from Jim Crowe law days.”
Lol, he’s half white, he’s half black, he can referred to as either.
Whether Barack Obama is black or not is not for you to decide. He gets decide for himself.
Sorry, Jesse Jackson was NOT a presidential “nominee”, he only ran for president, he was not nominated. Qho in their right mind would do that? Set this country back several hundred years. And this is from a black/native american woman.
Sorry, babe, but NO Black person is 100% black, if you mean 100% African. Every African american is mixed with something, even if it is 2 % Syrian, they are mixed. Skin complexion or other physical characteristics are just genetics.
Matter of fact NO one is really “pure”, especially in the States. Especially white, hispanic and black people. I know a white girl who just found out her great grandmother is East Indian, and she has blue eyes and blond hair, genetics is a crazy thing.
Lol, are you serious? How many of those “Find your Ancestor” things do you think you can really believe? Yes, there are AMERICAN black people who have been living in America since the slave times, and may not be fully black, and that is probably how most black people’s families came here today. Although, that is a possibility when you take into account how hated black people were for all that time and how there are generally more black people in the ghettos then whites. There may not be many people like that, but there definitely are some. If you really think about it, mixed marriages only started to become common within the last 10-20 years (started, they aren’t common yet). What makes you think that back when segregation racism was still common, that there would be very other races having kids. It most likely wasn’t very common for a master to have sexual relationship with his slaves, they were considered non-human, dirty, and lowly. If so many slave masters had made their own slaves, then why did the slave trade become as popular as it was and why did the South depend on it so much?
http://www.blackpeopleloveus.com/
[...] Stuff white people like #14 Having Black Friends Stuff White People Like I found the above in the sites archives..however in the comments was this link Black People Love [...]
I am a white person from Utah. The counting system seems pretty accurate for Utah don’t know about any where else. Love these posts.
I had black friends in high school, but mostly because the white girls were bitches. I loved sitting at a table of black girls, because they were in lower levels of the academic ladder even though they were way smarter than the airheads who would cheat on the A.P. exams.
HUH??? So basically you needed to be with people who were at your academic level….. Didnt have to hang out with black folks for that……..
A lot of my good friends are black, I mean African American.
You mean “Black” Not sure where this PC BS came from. (Yes IM black). But a young lady signed me up at my present GYM. She was blond with blues eyes and more African American than I will ever be….. She was born in South Africa…I was born in Brooklyn. Black American absolutely!!! African American Hmmmmmm …only in a historical sense.
Plenty of African immigrants here in America. They are quick to tell me that I am NOT them. They are correct I am ‘other.’ Ask ‘ole massa.’ Considering African, White, Cherokee and all the other damn mishmosh running thru my veins it is safest to consider me a Black American - I’m not passive.
Ignorance is hilarious.
YES! Ignorance is the best way I could have thoght to explain it! This is truely ignorant.
LMAO! Yeah, it keeps me entertained.
Could simply be that a white person has met someone that he or she can get along with and wants to befriend that person?
I mean this election is showing that the country wants to step into the 21st century with a new focus and new direction.
Nah.
Ok, that rating system is hilarious. However, 5+ is not impossible, I generally find those are the types of people who have all types of friends; blacks, Indians, Hispanic etc. They’re just popular.
I’m a little wary if I am someone’s “one black friend”. I mean, is the reason cause someone in their family hates black people and my life might be in danger if I visit their house? (a friend of mine went home with her roommate from college and her roommate’s like “Oh yeah, my dad’s racist. He hates black people.” Awkward anyone?)
Except for folks from like Alaska (we don’t like cold) and some of those states in the middle of nowhere (Dakotas, Missouri), we’re found in most major and mid-sized cities. It shouldn’t be that hard to make a new (black) friend. My brother and his wife live in Missouri and they managed to find some black people to make friends with, which goes to show, black friends can be found in the whitest of places!
I’m SURE Barack knows about gang signs, Chicago is a HOTSPOT for gangs, so he better recognize (especially since he can get shot going to the gas station)! And he DEFINITELY knows about a Vietnamese Beauty Supply Store, Michelle has sent him down to one many a time to gets some Queen hair grease and a golden plate flat iron!
hahahahaha…Oh Michelle! I think she has moved up from the gold plates to the ceramic, even though her hair looks pressed…now that is OLD School!
Naw, I live in Barack Obama’s neighborhood. It’s pretty much white in the middle, an old neighborhood with lots of big mansions built by industrialists a hundred years ago or more, but surrounded by run-down areas that are pretty much exclusively black. In fairness, the Obamas live in the more diverse north end of the wealthier stretch, almost in Bronzeville, which was at one time the African-American cultural hub of Chicago, though now it’s full of empty lots and shifty-looking dudes hanging out in front of liquor stores all night long.
Actually, I live on a mostly-black block a little ways outside the white/asian inner circle near the University, which means much cheaper rent but no bars/restaurants in walking distance. I feel safe here, though I wouldn’t go out alone at night–but I do notice that I get a lot of funny looks when I’m waiting at the bus stop. I don’t know any gang signs, either. But there is a Vietnamese beauty supply store on the corner.
you are absolutely right…Queen hair greese works wonders, do africans from africa really count…i remember arriving in the united states and being classified as black…I looked around wondering who they were talking about afterall I never thought of myself as black and this was the first time I was taught I am black…lets just say that the concept or classification of “BLACK” is taught. Whenever I go back home to kenya I become me again as soon as I come back and dont make it to the the non United States citizens and green card holder line,I quickly put on my black acquired status and remember that every so often I have the option of playing the “black card” to scare white folks who dare cross my line….Truth is “being black” is as much as a created concept or mentality as being white…but being “purely african” gives me the luxury of switching back and forth between whiteness and blackness depending on what I want to achieve at that moment…see how it works
stuffblackpeoplelike - eating watermelon! hahaha!!!
stuffarabpeoplelike - pumping oil! hahaha!!!
stuffblackpeoplelike - gang warfare! hahaha!!!
stuffmexicanpeoplelike - eating beans! hahaha!!!
stuffchinesepeoplelike - shooting heroin! hahaha!!!
stuffblackpeoplelike - welfare! hahaha!!!
stuffjewishpeoplelike - keeping money! hahaha!!!
stuffmexicanpeoplelike - wearing sombreros! hahaha!!!
stuffchinesepeoplelike - eating rice! hahaha!!!
stuffarabpeoplelike - kissing goats! hahaha!!!
stuffmexicanpeoplelike - wearing sombreros! hahaha!!!
stuffblackpeoplelike - sniffing glue! hahaha!!!
aren’t i funny and clever!!!
don’t you dare call me a racist!!!
stuffwhitepeoplelike-making racist jokes! hahaha!!! that arn’t funny! hahaha!
Racist?… And this whole article iabout white people sn’t???
Jon B is the man.
The funniest thing about half these posts is the comments. Over-analytical pontificators who serve up middle-school reasoning with the gravitas of James Earl Jones. This blog is a vital national resource. I salute the author.
it’s easy to be percieved as over-analytical coming form someone who does not face adversities on a daily bases. “Pontificators” (dictionary anyone??) but i get the gist of what you are saying . Is that because many of thse commetns are “out of line” and people should simply forgive and foget?
HA! that was brilliant. i wish i could hang out with you.
*even* if there’s a chance you may be white, and would thereby diminish my friend tally…