#36 Breakfast Places
January 28, 2008 by clander
When Loverboy wrote the song “Everybody’s working for the weekend,” they meant that you work all week so that you can earn a break and go to some sweet bars or concerts and rock out as hard as possible because you have 2 days for the hangover to fix itself. Well, white people work for the weekend, except their only goal is to eat breakfast on Saturday or Sunday at one of their favorite “breakfast places.”
These places are restaurants that specialize in breakfast food and are usually only open from 8 a.m. to 2 p.m. and if you arrive at any time after 9:30, prepare to wait for up to an hour with white people who cannot wait to get vegan pancakes, eggs benedict, waffles, or deluxe french toast.
To a white person, there is no better way to spend a saturday morning than to get up late, around 9:30 and pile into your Audi or Volvo and drive to one of these little places and eat breakfast with friends. Often times these breakfasts last for an hour or more (hence the long lines and wait times).
Some white people take it to the next level and bring their dogs, newspaper or even a laptop.
If you plan on dealing with white people, it would serve you well to know some local breakfast places. This will also come in handy if you pick someone up at 80s night. In white person law, if you meet someone at 80s night and then go out for breakfast the next morning, then you are automatically in a relationship. There are no exceptions.
don’t forget to add the new york times (sunday edition) into this mix somehow. i cannot tell you how many white people i know that base all of every single sunday morning around reading this thing in bed with coffee and the dog/husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/tim russert/sunday morning talk shows and making family “catch up” or girly white “gossipy” phone calls in between. usually there is classical music, or whitey folkish stuff in the background (never jazz). it’s amazing how many hoards of people can do the same thing once a week, and read the same stuff and all of them still think of themselves as “hip,” “cool,” “edgy,” or “with it.”
I pooped my pants
I thought the definition of “hip”, “cool”, “edgy” or “with it” was “hoards of people doing the same thing”. Man, I am so white.
Oh the Sunday NY Times is coming. But it was too soon to post right next to “breakfast places”
Good work on the suggestion though, good to know people are in sync on this stuff.
you are a genius
p.s. in vancouver it is all about Sunday breakfast, if you go on Saturday, you are a loser
if you’re out for breakfast instead of hungover and fucking someone, there’s a good chance you’re a loser.
True story. Me and my friends never make it to our breakfast place until after noon on the weekends…haha, but we’re in college, what reason do we have to wake up early on the weekends?? Luckily our place serves breakfast all day long!
We are using “hungover” as an establishment of people who aren’t losers?!?
America, we got issues… not that that’s news or anything. I’m just saying.
In the south its all about the Waffle house and the Atlanta journal Constitution.
The Waffle House is to breakfast what Mighty Dog is to steak.
and this is why i despise the south and can’t wait to move back north.
That makes one
brunch was stolen by white people from the jews when all the goyim stopped going to church. I never had to wait 45 minutes to get a table on a sunday growing up. Now that’s the minimum wait! You focking bastards. I want my lox.
My Sunday breakfast is standing in line at the neighborhood Circle K for my pack of unfiltered Camels and a sleeve of Snowballs. I couldn’t be any more hip unless I buy a snowboard.
They’re bite-size!
[...] An Ode to the Hangover Breakfast (I want Deep-Fried Lemon Curd French Toast with Blueberries inside me) [...]
Breakfast is great, I can cook all kinds of yummy breakfast foods, ham and eggs, various omelets, french toast, bacon, crepes, fresh fruit like strawberries, blueberries and cantaloupe ,belgian waffles… but see, breakfast early sucks, that’s strictly a coffee thing for we of the Caucasian persuasion. A big pig out breakfast , ya gotta sleep in first. Oh, and real coffee, none of this soy latte, light blend crap, must have the strong stuff. Probably people here would think it is espresso, but Greeks drink that all day from like age 12. You want real coffee , you have to go to some little ethnic dive, like an Arabic deli or something- you drink that stuff, you understand how they sit there and just pound that stuff and talk for hours, in between long periods of silence. You just savor that taste , it’s like a ritual, not like sitting around with the soccer cougars at the McStarbucks. You can also have really politically incorrect conversations in public at the Palestinian coffeehouses and no one calls you a Nazi or “racist” . It’s way cool.
is this your only social outlet? posting non-sequitur responses to tongue-in-cheek blog entries?? you are a fucking dipshit. go away.
soccer cougars. i love.
Hey up yours, eggs benedict is good stuff!
Or if you’re lucky enough to live in the southeast US, eggs Christopher.
dude, the only thing wrong with this post is that you use the word breakfast. there is no such thing as ‘breakfast’ on the weekends, according to white people. any meal on saturday and sunday after 4:30am and before 4pm is called “brunch.” sometimes a meal after 4pm will still be called “brunch” if the white person/people have only eaten a light snack and coffee beforehand and therefore must go to a restaurant that serves breakfast 24 hours a day.
I agree, you’re obviously not white enough if you don’t know the word “brunch.”
You also forgot to mention that going before 11 am means you’re probably trying to get things done that weekend instead of just lazing around as long as possible and you’re not truly a white person if you go before 11 am. The only exception to this rule is if you never go to bed the night before. Then you can eat brunch between 8 am and 11 am without penalty and are still considered white.
You also forgot to mention that it’s not acceptable to go to a corporate-owned breakfast establishment. Denny’s and other places are not permitted unless you make it clearly obvious that you’re being ironic and “slumming it.” The establishment must specialize in “brunch” but absolutely not in “breakfast” despite the fact that many of the foods are the same. The menu should state “brunch” on it. Places that serve breakfast all day and night might be fun when you’re drunk or high, but are not acceptable for this Sunday event.
It is required that your breakfast food of choice costs in the neighborhood of $20 or more–preferably $30 to $50 for something consisting of easy-to-make flours and starches with some kind of greasy protein or protein substitute included. You will feel better for paying this price although you could make an equivalent dish at home for approximately 95 cents and could cook, eat and clean up in the same time that you wait for a table at a brunch restaurant.
justanotherwhiteguy, marry me? i love atlanta! waffle house is holy in the south. open 24 hrs. serves the sinners (after clubs close) and the saints (after church service is over). also, any all-you-can-eat place is acceptable for weekend breakfast, especially after-church sunday afternoon brunch.
The dumpster behind the Waffle House is also all-you-can-eat. Plus, it won’t make you as sick as the fresh Waffle House fare.
Where I come from, people who go out to eat on the Sabbath (sunday, not saturday you freakin jews) are sinners and breaking a commandment.
Of course, if you are going to be white, Matt’s Big Breakfast is the best place to stand outside of for 2 hours in Phoenix on Sat morning.
Justanotherwhiteguy is right on the money:
“In the south its all about the Waffle house and the Atlanta journal Constitution.”
PLEASE BELIEVE IT! AND THAT GOES ACROSS ALL RACIAL LINES!
stuffblackpeoplelike - eating watermelon! hahaha!!!
stuffarabpeoplelike - pumping oil! hahaha!!!
stuffblackpeoplelike - gang warfare! hahaha!!!
stuffmexicanpeoplelike - eating beans! hahaha!!!
stuffchinesepeoplelike - shooting heroin! hahaha!!!
stuffblackpeoplelike - welfare! hahaha!!!
stuffjewishpeoplelike - keeping money! hahaha!!!
stuffmexicanpeoplelike - wearing sombreros! hahaha!!!
stuffchinesepeoplelike - eating rice! hahaha!!!
stuffarabpeoplelike - kissing goats! hahaha!!!
stuffmexicanpeoplelike - wearing sombreros! hahaha!!!
stuffblackpeoplelike - sniffing glue! hahaha!!!
aren’t i funny and clever!!!
don’t you dare call me a racist!!!
wow, youre just stupid, cause no one is saying that white people like to do terrible things, like you have listed for “other” people. theres a difference between saying a white person likes coffee, vs a black person liking shooting heroine. in fact, white people are the biggest users of drugs.
since white people like money, and black people dont right?
youre right, youre not racist, just stupid.
I’m white and I now know the author of this blog is too. Nonwhite people might know the song “Everybody’s Working for the Weekend” but only white people know the band Loverboy. As far as breakfast places, they don’t all have good free range eggs, so I make my own food because I raise my own chickens. Knowing the author of this blog is white, I no longer care if I’m cool or lame to him.
its a her
My son in Spain sent me this link. I guess ’cause I’m a white guy who likes to go out for breakfast every Saturday morning. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Best to find a place where old hippies are welcome and couples with rats and Yuppies feel uncomfortable. Best spot in SLC, SpUtah is Britton’s. Don’t AAs, Asians and Latinos like Saturday morning breakfast also?
and we should care why?
Brilliant. This blog is 100% me. I complain that where I live has no good breakfast places for after 80s night. This is only forgiveable in my city because we have lots of 80s nights.
speaking as a latino, we don’t wake up early enough to eat breakfast on the weekends. it’s colada and pan cubano for us, unless we’re hungover, in which case it’s coffee followed by a beer.
this is about white people. stop making everything about yourself you self absorbed latinos.
Black people eat water in their sugary childrens’ cereal for breakfast. I saw that in a movie once.
You have your finger on the pulse of my soul, dude! It’s the harsh light of truth!
8-P
I’m white. I go to restaurants that serve breakfast 24/7! Breakfast for Lunch? Yep. Breakfast for Dinner? Yep. Breakfast at 2:30 A.M.? Sure why not.
I feel better knowing I’m not a yuppie.
HEY KIDS/WHITE PEOPLE. If you’re ever in Minneapolis, hit up the Sunny Side Up Cafe. Best fecking oatmeal I’ve ever had in my life, and I hate breakfast! (Seriously.)
Also, the Hardtimes Cafe is good too. And it has a buttload of vegetarian/vegan options for those of you who have never known the flavor of delicious, delicious venison.
Madison has the Sunroof Cafe. Which is where ALL the cool little hipsters show up to. Do not attempt to go there on Saturdays before 1 PM.
Wow, wow, wow. Just wow. And the “hours only from 8 a.m. to 2 p.m.” bit is so on the money it hurts.
Non-whites go to breakfast, too– the only difference is that they’re on the other side of the counter.
Now stop blocking my water fountain.
I Live right by Sunny Side! You have to add that people mostly walk or bike to these places — they don’t drive there — gotta save the earth. Seward Cafe, French Meadow . . . Minneapolis breakfast . . . . yum yum
But remember, if you’re not white, you will be beaten into unconsciousness in the Denny’s parking lot: http://asianweek.com/082297/morenews.html
guilty. every sunday morning with the family.
The truest White people I know eat breakfast at their golf course/country club restaurant after playing 18 holes on either Saturday or Sunday mornings. And it’s Men Only; real White Women cannot play golf and do not bother clogging up the course. Thank you.
[...] enjoying one of his favorite Breakfast Places, waiting for his food to come. Today, of course, it’s Saturday Morning, time to be out with [...]
Two words: Kerby Lane
“Don’t AAs, Asians and Latinos like Saturday morning breakfast also?”
Maybe, but we won’t waste 45 minutes standing in crack alley just so we can get into Dottie’s.
Pile into the Priuses, please!
–or better yet, biodeisel Mercedes.
[...] in both Richmond and Charlotte. I discovered in the course of all the dog conversation over brunch (which included coffee, of course!) that their dogs are better outfitted, cared for and fed than [...]
You’ve got to be god damned kidding right? Who do you think invented the fried chicken on a waffle (popular in the south)?
Not white people, that’s who.
Nonwhite churchgoers do Sunday breakfast/brunch too.
One of the worst restaurant experiences I ever had was waiting 90 minutes to be seated at a place called Toast in the Lincoln Park area of Chicago (one of Chicago’s whitest neighborhoods). I kept thinking, this food had better be damn good! It was okay at best.
Although lately Lincoln Park has started to turn into a “wrong type of white” area. (Too rich = more Republicans; and with them, banks)
i’m white, and every saturday at 0600 my breakfast place is my couch, with a bowl of oatmeal. same as it is at 0600 every other day of the week.
the first couple posts here were kind of funny, but now it’s beginning to be full of fail
These profiles seem to be more specifically on middle-class hipsters making their transition into yuppies. Marrieds who still do stuff and have sex.
Obviously a single pattern of behavior can’t describe all white people, (Lexington, Kentucky needs its own chapter) but rather a single subgroup of white people that more closely resemble a stereotype.
Hence the fancy brunch place, and not the Waffle House / IHOP / Cheap Diner. I don’t know all of the country, but in New York and the Southeast, those cross age, racial, and (up to a point) class lines. But a brunch place that closes at 2:00? Fuckin *golf* white.
Oh and if you’re ever in Athens, GA, check out The Grit.
yeah, white people sure love their dim sum!
yeah, white people sure love their dim sum!
White people don’t EAT breakfast, they DO brunch. As a non-white person, I have no idea how you do a meal. (like sticking your d*ck in the mashed potatoes?) So confusing!
“In white person law, if you meet someone at 80s night and then go out for breakfast the next morning, then you are automatically in a relationship. There are no exceptions.”
That is the truest and most beautiful sentiment I’ve ever heard.
An alternative to brunch that will make white people happy and feel good is to visit their local farmer’s market and eat a $7 organic croissant. This will likely also involve taking home a hand-woven bag full of small, brownish apples and some overpriced goat cheese for their omelet the next day.
Alright, I love breakfast as much as most white people. Here in D.C. we have a place called “the Diner” (note the lowercase t in “the”). Nevermind that there are restaurants serving breakfast up and down 18th Street–there is always a huge crowd in front of the Diner waiting for a table. Clearly it is the only legitimate place to eat breakfast, because unlike the other bars up and down the street, it is actually called “the Diner.”
located in the historic arcadia neighborhood of phoenix, we have a place called la grande orange that epitomizes this post. it’s a grocery/bakery/breakfast place which converts to a pizzaria in the afternoon. there’s a designer cake place next door and a gelato shop built right in for the y(oung) u(rban) p(rofessional)s who flock to this place too early in the a.m. on bicycles or by prius with their pups to wait in a line out the door for their croque madame (glorified eggs and toast) glancing at the thursday styles section of NYTimes, making sure not to drip any croque juice on the argyle cycling gear, reading up on the latest blog post on “that genius white people website” with his wi-fi enabled iTouch, and with a radiant smile, feeling one step closer to the ultimate white lifestyle.
sounds familiar. ha ha.
I work at a vegetarian breakfast place. I’m the hippest person of all my facebook friends!
I laughed so hard after ready your post I almost knocked over by Dungeons and Dragons board.
In Toronto we have Cora’s (and it’s even more popular in Montreal) and people f**kin line the streets for that stuff. All dressed up trying to look good…wtf! Has anyone ever gotten laid while eating out for breakfast?
Yes.
The gross generalization is really amusing. I find myself wanting to argue that not all white people like these things, or that people of other races like these things too, but then i realize that I do like all of this ’stuff’. A nice chair is one of my favorite things. Nice work…
Guilty. Love my breakfast places. I’m so white.
We forgot to mention the “shittycute” look that must be donned when going on these brunch dates. One cannot look too good, or else it will be obvious that: a) you care; b) you did not have a night of drunken fun the night before; c) you will not fit into the scene that you really are desperate to fit into.
The truth is that many brunch-going white folks spend the night before sleeping early preparing for their brunch date so they have to fake looking ‘partied out’. What white people do is look shittycute. The hair is a bit messy, on purpose. The clothes are a little baggier than usual and usually involve some form of plaid and denim. Nowadays, it is also common to see boots tucked into tights or designer yoga pants. The ladies sometimes make it seem like the mascara under the eye is smudged by mistake, but really, it’s on purpose. THey also wear scarves.The men have stubble. No one can look too good. Shittycute is the only way to for white folks at brunch.
i’ve been reading this blog and passing it on to anyone i think will get a slight kick out of it since my friend from Saskatchewan passed it on to me last week. he’s white and he finds it hilarious.
i read this post and read the comments thinking ‘if i wasn’t so lazy i’d mention cora’s’. #47 was my motivation. people really do PLAN to show up and line up at coras. and pay $10 for parking. i know people who have driven 45 mins from outside the city in order to wait just as long -or longer- to get a seat and have some average breakfast. and our table had the highest population of non-whites in the place. i did see another black person, but it turned out they were joining our party.
ditto for when the bf and i tried to “do” sunday brunch a couple of times last spring. We were east of Toronto, and in 3 different places we tried on 3 different occasions, we were the only black people in the joint. it was the strangest thing in the world. like we accidentally missed the non-white rapture in the night.
i DO know where i can find black/non-white people eating breakfast food 24-7 though. Markham Station. Serving sinners straight from the clubs in their best gear at 2, 3, 4, 5am. you actually have to wait 30 mins if you go at 4am on a Sunday morning.
this is also where you will see cops on break hanging out while 2 carloads of teens beats the crap out of one unarmed teen. in full view of the cops. did i mention they were white cops? and the teen wasn’t? ….white i mean.
and #50 is bang on. in the winter, its the sweats tucked into the damn uggs. in the summer, its flannel or tna or lululemon over furry birkenstock clogs.
i think this breakfast habit is developed/nurtured when white folks go (45mins to 4hrs) Away To University/College. on sundays when the dishes from saturday nights house party still look like sculpture accented with cigarette butts, beer caps and cans of molson, there is nothing more comforting than the thought that all 4-6 of you can pile into your roommate’s inherited corolla and head to the local diner/pancake house/greasy spoon and get a pile of comfort food for whatever change you can scrape from under the car seats. it doesnt matter that it’ll hit your stomach like a brick. it only matters that you’ll have a great memory of getting breakfast together after a night you don’t *quite* remember in its entirety.
i know this from being one of the 2 non-white people in that car. the other was my best friend that i was visiting for the weekend who had gone Away To School.
oddly enough, she stopped doing the breakfast thing when she moved into a house where she wasn’t the minority.
hahah im affluent and white and i love getting in my jetta on saturday morning and going to a $21.95 champers brunch with 5 of my friends and having a lovely breakfast