#49 Vintage

The love affair between white people and old stuff literally goes back for hundreds of years. In the older days, it was almost exclusively contained within the realm of furniture. While white people still love antiques, they don’t always fit so well with a modern lifestyle and kitchen.

Beginning in their late teens, white people begin an obsession with finding cool vintage clothing at local thrift shops and Goodwills. Making purchases at these locations address a number of white person needs.

First, it allows them to say “oh, this? I got this shirt at Goodwill for $3.” This statement focuses the attention on the shirt, taking attention away from the $350 jeans and $200 shoes. The white person can then retain that precious ‘indie’ cred.

Secondly, it allows a white person to have something that other white people don’t. This is an important consideration when trying to determine the worth and ranking of white people.

As white people get older, and the opportunities to wear a “Pittsburgh Special Olympics ‘76″ T-shirt diminish, they must move their vintage fetish from clothes to furniture and knick knacks. For a post-30 white person, the mention of a ‘vintage stove’ or ‘vintage card catalog” can send their imaginations racing about how to incorporate it into their current home decor.

By having at least one vintage, unique piece of furniture in a room full of Ikea, white people can still tell themselves that they are unique and cooler than their friends.

When you enter a white person’s home, you should immediately search for anything not made by Ikea, Crate and Barrel or Athropologie. Upon finding such an item, you should ask “where did you get that? It’s really cool.” The white person will then tell you a story about how they acquired it, allowing them to feel cool and giving them a reminder about their fantastic taste.