#53 Dogs

A lot of cultures love dogs – be it for entertainment, labor, or other. But white people love dogs on an entirely different level.

It should be understood that in white culture, dogs are considered training for having children. That is to say that any white couple must get a dog before they have kids. This will prepare them for responsibility by having another creature to feed, supervise it’s bathroom activities, and to love. Because of this, white people generally assume that their dog is their favorite child unless otherwise stated.

When actual children are born, the dog is not displaced but rather remains as the most important member of the household. This is because of the fact that white children will eventually hate their parents, but dogs will love anyone who feeds them.

White people generally believe that dogs have human emotions and that they are capable of loving certain TV shows, films, and music. “Buster just loves watching Six Feet Under!” Even though most dogs would enjoy watching Hitler if he were getting attention every time it came on the TV.

They also believe that their dogs share similar tastes in food – “Little Ben Kweller likes the Organic food the best.” Forgetting the fact that dogs enjoy eating their own feces, and pretty much anything that falls onto the floor.

When searching for homes, many white people will require large yards so that their “dog can run around.” If you work in real estate, this can be exploited for large markups when selling to white people.

It is also a proven fact, that dogs are often used by white people to attract members of the opposite sex. Bringing a puppy or dog to a local dog park, will encourage interaction and conversation. Even more so than a Mac Laptop.

If white people are ever talking about their dogs, it is essential that you reassure them that their dogs are absolutely special and unique. That they are being properly cared for, and that treating like children is the only way to care for a pet. Under no circumstance EVER should you say anything that is derogatory towards dogs, critical of spoiling dogs, or that they are not full members of society who deserve the same rights as humans. Doing any of these three things will completely destroy all relationships you might have had with a white person.

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#52 Sarah Silverman

White people love to laugh, so it’s no surprise that some of the funniest people in the world are white! But do not believe that white people find all types of humor funny. BET Comicview for example is not considered funny, and white people generally get little to no enjoyment out of the program.

The easiest way to find out if a comedian is approved by white people is to see if they get mentioned on music blogs or have ever given an interview where they talk about how much they love The Magnetic Fields, Of Montreal, or The Shins. But this does not guarantee white acceptance.

If the topic of comedy comes up, the best thing to do is talk about how much you love Sarah Silverman. White people can’t get enough of her!

Her whole shtick is about saying really offensive things! But it’s ok because she’s pretty and has a small voice so it all sounds so cute! Get it? It’s not offensive, because when she says racist or sexist things she knows they are offensive. So it’s ok.

Much as white women will say that John Stewart is their perfect man, it is fully acceptable and encouraged for white men to say that Sarah Silverman is their perfect woman.

Sarah Silverman is also considered an “alternative comic” which essentially means she is universally loved by white people, but not enough so that she can be a movie star.

Other acceptable ‘alternative’ comedians: David Cross, and the Comedians of Comedy (Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, and Zach Galifinakis).

Also acceptable: Any comedian who shares your ethnicity.

WARNING: under no circumstances should you EVER list Dane Cook as your favorite comedian. The wrong kind of white people like him. And mentioning him will cause white people to lose all respect for you.

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#51 Living by the water

It is hardly a secret that all white people love being near water. And why wouldn’t they? It has so many of the activities that they love to do: swimming, kayaking, canoeing, sailing, and it’s a perfect place to read next to.

But before we move on, let’s not gloss over that last point. White people love to be near a body of water so they can read a book, while sitting nearby. The process of reading is somehow heightened through the process of doing it near some water. Extreme reading!

But when you think long term, it’s important to realize that all white people either own/wish to own/plan to own/will own some sort of property near a body of water. Rather than say all white people want to live on the ocean, it’s important to break it up and apply it across the regions.

On the west coast, all white people want to live as close to the beach as possible. One look at the demographics for Manhattan Beach, Santa Monica, Hermosa Beach, Newport Beach, and Laguna Beach will reveal this fact through tangible numbers.

On the East Coast, many white people dream of owning ocean front property in New England, where they can make their lives as close as possible to a J. Crew catalog.

And in the landlocked states, the dream of lakefront property is alive and well.

It is also worth noting that often times, white people will purchase second homes near water if they cannot accommodate the dream in their own city. Often times they want to buy within driving distance, but the need for life near water is so great that they will even consider buying in other countries.

To a white person, a view of water from your house is the greatest achievement in life. And you should remember this when discussing your hopes and dreams with white people. It is also important that you choose a water sport (swimming, fishing, kayaking, etc) that you pretend to like. That way, you can talk about how when you move to your waterfront property you can just wake up in the morning and [insert outdoor activity], right from your front door.

Mountain views are also acceptable, but generally seen as a poor substitute.

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