#51 Living by the water
February 4, 2008 by clander
It is hardly a secret that all white people love being near water. And why wouldn’t they? It has so many of the activities that they love to do: swimming, kayaking, canoeing, sailing, and it’s a perfect place to read next to.
But before we move on, let’s not gloss over that last point. White people love to be near a body of water so they can read a book, while sitting nearby. The process of reading is somehow heightened through the process of doing it near some water. Extreme reading!
But when you think long term, it’s important to realize that all white people either own/wish to own/plan to own/will own some sort of property near a body of water. Rather than say all white people want to live on the ocean, it’s important to break it up and apply it across the regions.
On the west coast, all white people want to live as close to the beach as possible. One look at the demographics for Manhattan Beach, Santa Monica, Hermosa Beach, Newport Beach, and Laguna Beach will reveal this fact through tangible numbers.
On the East Coast, many white people dream of owning ocean front property in New England, where they can make their lives as close as possible to a J. Crew catalog.
And in the landlocked states, the dream of lakefront property is alive and well.
It is also worth noting that often times, white people will purchase second homes near water if they cannot accommodate the dream in their own city. Often times they want to buy within driving distance, but the need for life near water is so great that they will even consider buying in other countries.
To a white person, a view of water from your house is the greatest achievement in life. And you should remember this when discussing your hopes and dreams with white people. It is also important that you choose a water sport (swimming, fishing, kayaking, etc) that you pretend to like. That way, you can talk about how when you move to your waterfront property you can just wake up in the morning and [insert outdoor activity], right from your front door.
Mountain views are also acceptable, but generally seen as a poor substitute.
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^ Umm… what?
PS: My guess is this is an inherited thing. White people sailed in, scored themselves a huge chunk of resource rich continent, and loved living in port/river cities ever since. Plus every white who sailed over did so more-or-less voluntarily, so must have had some love of water. Unfortunately, early blacks didn’t have much of a choice whether they got on the boat to America or not, and passed down the horror stories to the little ones.
To summarise: White boating history was happy, Black boat history not so much.
Not sure where other ethnicities would some in on this…
*come in…
You bring up a very good point. Do you think this is in any way related to the overall lack of African-American representation in the water sports (sailing, swimming,…
and water-like sports (hockey)?
Blaming people’s ancestors is stupid. Think about it. Maybe the person you are blaming is a first or 2nd generation American.
Nobody in this current living world did anything to hurt you or your ancestors!
Let go of the grudge and you will be a happier person. Maybe you should read The Secret.
I pooped my pants
Mr/Ms. Damn got me thinking with his/her/its timely and insightful response:
I always wondered what the proper white peoples etiquette is for “relieving” ones self while sailing? Do you whip I out and let it fly (guys) or hang over the edge (girls)?
Is there a “green” approach to this problem? Should I be recycling?
Here is another related question:
If I have a house on the water, can I pee off the deck? (There is nothing like drinking a few beers, going out on the porch late at night and letting go.) Am I doing the right thing?
Your thoughts please.
As a sailor ever since I was young and the owner of two houses near the water (one my the beach where I live and one on a lake where I vacation) I found this an interesting question.
White people prefer to sail in boats that are large enough to have there own head (a sailing term for a bathroom although it usually smells more like a port-a-potty). If they are slumming it in a smaller boat then white people will definately pee over the side as long as there are none of the opposite sex in the boat.
You do not need to worry about your pee not being “green” enough. Pee is natural and biodegradeable. In fact, peeing out doors makes us white people feel more at one with nature which satisfies several things that white people like.
Finally, you can only pee out doors if no one of the opposite sex is present. White people never expose themselves in public. The only exeptions are for men. Men can urinate in public while camping, while in college at a party, or of course on st. patricks day.
p.s. if you don’t know what a wasp is, it is what you call a really white person that is not the “wrong” kind of white.
I always knew these mountains were inferior in some way. Although, the ability to theoretically “go hiking” someday is almost as good as windsurfing or kayaking.
That’s why Vancouver kicks so much ass. Mountains *and* ocean all in walking distance. No one here actually does ski and windsurf in the same day, but it could easily be done. Man, I could never leave here! Yes I’m white. Yes, I’m damn proud of it! (But I f’in HATE Apple computers and pricey coffee shops)
I own an Apple computer but only use it when I go to expensive coffee shops. I can’t stand hiking, biking, or kayaking but, being white, I’m obligated to own the necessary fashions and accouterments from said hobbies. How well you do something is far less important than how you would look if you actually did it. That’s why my meticulously distressed Converse sneakers only come out of the closet when I’m attending PETA rallies.
This is an issue since I and most black folks are terribly afraid of any body of water that is over ankle deep.
I live in Southern California, or as us white people like to call it “SoCal.” Nearly without exception, people feel “spirtually connected” to the ocean, and it’s soothing waves. “I just like knowing it’s there” someone said to me.
And who could blame ‘em. The water is polluted, which is great because now we have a “cause.” Also, it’s filled with adorable things we want to save. Oh, and it’s a prime source of SUSHI!
“SUSHI”
Bait.
This one, #51, is weaker than many of the other list items. Is a white-specific love of waterfront living the cause of whites owning so much beachfront property as they do? I think there are several races that enjoy living near water. Maybe most members of any particular race would choose waterfront property if they could do so cheaply. People like the water because the white noise is more pleasant than, e.g., the sound of screaming kids next door. And it does make reading easier; it’s easier for some people to focus on text when they’re enveloped in white noise, just like it’s easier for some people to sleep when there’s a ticking clock.
White hipsters make the mistake of moving INTO poor/crappy neighborhoods as if that makes them less white/mainstream. But poor people don’t move into poor neighborhoods; they move out if they can, and they stay in them if they can’t (having been born into them). A related misconception on the part of white people is that non-whites choose to live in landlocked areas. I’m not sure if the trend of non-whites living in landlocked areas is due to an active choice; it may be a passive choice that occurs when other factors are more highly prioritized, factors like proximity to work, housing prices, etc. This is not to say that non-whites are unable to exercise free-will some respect, just that sometimes (for many types of people) geography gets largely ignored when housing choices are made.
It’s like Thelonius Monk Jr. said of his late father: He didn’t want to be playing little clubs, but big stages. Only dumb white folks see some black guy in a little jazz club and think that it’s his ideal venue. Sometimes it’s just the only venue he’s got available to him.
Or like that guy in Lawrence of Arabia — I think it was the actor’s name I forget, the one who beat the mexican valet parking attendant when he wouldn’t accept euros — says: The Arab doesn’t love the desert. He wants water and shade too.
You must be really fun at parties.
@meta mucil
Yes, but white people will sit in traffic for hours “escaping” to their summer places on the Cape or Maryland shore etc. so they can populate said resorts with other white people when there is more white noise back in the city on weekends because all of the white people have left.
I think Jade Green or whoever makes a great point. Folks (*wink wink*) be ‘fraid of water. I fear Meta Mucil. You can imagine why!
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
Do people understand “satire?”
Isn’t this “satire?”
It’s just taking stereotypes to a new level.
Like the book of “Gnomes”
This one is a failure. Look at the population density distribution of China. Middle America is filled with white people. White people just want to get away. This is after moving to the city to be ‘where it’s at’. Look, white people are just confused is all. The inborn compass doesn’t work, as it’s deflected by mercury from the sushi.
No need to harsh on swimming. Doesn’t require any fancy equipment, and if you’re near a body of water you don’t have to pay to use a pool.
That said, I am into most watersports.
Water i hate water. I hate water because im black and us blacks hate anything that scares us. Like white people and apparently jobs.
stuffblackpeoplelike - eating watermelon! hahaha!!!
stuffarabpeoplelike - pumping oil! hahaha!!!
stuffblackpeoplelike - gang warfare! hahaha!!!
stuffmexicanpeoplelike - eating beans! hahaha!!!
stuffchinesepeoplelike - shooting heroin! hahaha!!!
stuffblackpeoplelike - welfare! hahaha!!!
stuffjewishpeoplelike - keeping money! hahaha!!!
stuffmexicanpeoplelike - wearing sombreros! hahaha!!!
stuffchinesepeoplelike - eating rice! hahaha!!!
stuffarabpeoplelike - kissing goats! hahaha!!!
stuffmexicanpeoplelike - wearing sombreros! hahaha!!!
stuffblackpeoplelike - sniffing glue! hahaha!!!
aren’t i funny and clever!!!
don’t you dare call me a racist!!!
This is part of what is known as the “Faustian” soul of white people. Its a need to explore, to evolve, and to see something new. It came about within the evolutionary conditions of Ice-age Europe. White people are naturally non-urban in nature. No matter how much white people pretend to love the city, the key is to look at how many plants they own in their very hip apartments. The water represents the unknown and a challenge to find out what waits beyond.
judging by the casper-esque bare chest color, i am even whiter than you. and you make a statement equally as ridiculous when you say white people “pretend to love the city.” Save your pedantic, breezy musings for your private diary.
I’m white and I live pretty far inland. But this is bullshit, tons of white people live in Kansas. But I know you’re talking about rich white liberals, so meh. Anyway I don’t care about being close to the water, but my wife does. I’ll let her know how lame she is despite having a cool fucking husband like me.
The only folks I’ve met in Kansas are the ones who can’t afford to leave.
Black people can’t swim, so therefore they won’t live near the water… pretty basic
jcrew? is that the best you can do? this one is weak and not funny at all. better not to include.
Yes, oh yes. All of this describes moi. And I am white as the driven snow.
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i live in one of those beach cities, and it’s true.. except I can see mountains too
As for Blacks who can’t swim that doesn’t apply to me. I grew up on a Caribbean Island and have been swimming since I knew myself. Hey I even used to compete for my school in swimming.I’m an Island girl at heart.
ANYONE who lives in Jersey knows this post is the truth! I personally live in northern Jersey and know white people who take the 2 hr. commute to work daily from the shore. They just can’t wait until the summer!
Well, if you live in a street divided by a canal or near a river that will overflow whenever it rains a bit too much - then living by the water looses it’s cool pretty soon. Or did you just mean living by the sea?
love this site… !!
Im white and i must admit i love the idea of living nearby the sea
“This is part of what is known as the “Faustian” soul of white people. Its a need to explore, to evolve, and to see something new. It came about within the evolutionary conditions of Ice-age Europe. White people are naturally non-urban in nature. No matter how much white people pretend to love the city, the key is to look at how many plants they own in their very hip apartments. The water represents the unknown and a challenge to find out what waits beyond.”
Another uber-whitey overanalyzing things…
We like water for the simple fact that it supplies sustinance. Control the water, control the world.
If the shit hits the fan, hey, screw you, we’ve got water, bitches.
In the case of oceans, we’ve got fish, bitches.
Simple. Brutal. Effective.
We need a “Killing People” entry, since we’re damn good at that. Even enjoy it. Especially en masse.
Your articles are perfect, as evidenced by the diverse range of comments. Don’t change a thing!
Me being a cauc, I thought I should mention I like giving out compliments to bloggers which make them feel good about their efforts, and recipricolly requires very little physical exhertion from me.
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Actually we don’t like water all that much. It is just that there are fewer black people living by the Ocean.
Oh please, white people aren’t the only ones who love living by the water.
WEAK
was this written by george carlin. hilarious
Umm … there’s a glossy color mag “for people who love the coast.” Look it up.
It’s nice we can get a laugh out of all this, but if anyone started a funny blog about what other races do, especially African Americans, here comes Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpon ready to sue you for every penny.
What I think you and many others may fail to realize is that we can all laugh at this blog because it appears to have been created by White people about White people. No one becomes offended when an individual criticizes their own demographic because they fall under the shadow of their own criticism; it is when that individual takes upon themselves to criticize others, especiallywhen the critic’s demographic has a history of antagonizing that particular group of people, and even more, does not, on a large scale, have extensive amounts of personal and intimate experience of value with that group to merit a relationship that makes allowances for these types of remarks.
The question that then arises is how would YOU personally feel if a ethnic person took it upon themselves to adopt racial slurs, such as the C-word or the H-word, because it was considered cool, and their White friends used it all the time? Would it not be offensive to you, especially if the word’s negative connation came from these individuals’ culture and you had had past, negative experiences of it being directed at you as an insult by this same group of people?
* As far as Black comedians are concerned…. they may criticize other races, but they almost always criticize the Black race much more.
White people love New England because it’s cold and foggy. Only people descended from northern Europeans are adapted to actually enjoy that weather. It’s one of the whitest places in America and they don’t even have to be racist to keep it that way. Everywhere else, they have to use gentrification to kick out the nonwhites.
One of the first things my parents taught me is that white people love the water, but that Chinese people don’t like the water. It smells. And a there is stuff floating in it, and it makes the area permanently humid, which is bad for pretty much everything.
Saying that I like boats was pretty much instant grounds for ass beating, because boats are for smelly, slimy, poor fishermen.
@ #20 (Heather) I’m Caribbean too and laugh when people say things like black people are afraid of water. What a bunch of crap. We don’t even need lifeguards at our beaches.
Hey, you didn’t mention houseboats on rivers!! Can’t get much more watery than that, and yes, at our moorage there isn’t a single person of color.
I think they need a good cleansing tsunami every now and then….especially while reading near the water.
this is so true… I attend the boarding school andover and my white biology teacher lives in belize…amazing
I grew up by the water. I love to swim in it, enjoy occasionally boating and maybe some fishing. But I would never live by it again. For one reason
Mosquitos
You could fill an encyclopedia with all the stuff that white people like that is involved with “living by the water.” Sailing is huge with white people, and with Asian kids who want to hang out with white people. Sailing usually requires a yacht club nearby, to store sailboats and all their equipment, and as a venue for junior sailing banquets where the boys get to wear navy blue blazers and striped ties, like their daddies did at their sailing banquet 30 yrs ago, and the little (mostly) blonde girls all look adorable in their cute cotton sundresses. The guys show how truly cool they are by wearing their Oakley sunglasses with croakies (spongy straps to keep them from falling into the lake) turned around so the glasses are on backwards, but over the collar of their shirt. Also, to show off at the banquet, the winner of the big prize, if a guy, will wear hiking boots with red whale shorts, or a cheesy pastel tuxedo jacket found at a thrift shop, i.e. “I give a shit.”
Yacht clubs also almost always have a bar, the reason being, why go out boating if you can’t go out drinking, altho most drinking is done at the end of a sailing day, and a lot of it on boats out in the harbor. The walls of the bar have half-models of famous sailing vessels and there are often glass cases showing off the silverware won in sailing events such as the Bermuda Race. Ralph Lauren didn’t just make this stuff up! Of course, everyone who belongs to a yacht club thinks that the view from their yacht club’s front porch is the best anywhere.
Some yacht clubs have extensive dining facilities and they almost all have “steak fries” and “lobster boils” often to raise money to buy new Optis (tiny sailboat)for the junior program. Yacht clubs that operate year-round have big children’s Christmas parties and New Year’s Eve doings for the adults which often lead to their un-doings, with alcohol being involved. So it really is an all-encompassing way of live, living near the water.
I feel as though my cover is totally blown! I have an English/Irish mother and a Colombian father (who lives in Manhattan) and have been trying to convince my White husband that I am very ethnic, and practically a sista’. But btw graduate school, being a lawyer, living in Laguna Beach, loving NYC, wanting to see Juno again, voting for Barrack as a Republican, and digging Saturday morning breakfast and overpriced sandwiches (I took him to my favorite spot today in Corona del Mar)…thanks a lot. My husband found your site and now I don’t hear the end of how white I am. But I could pass a dancing test.
White people, myself included,go to the beach for the same reasons other ethnic groups like to go to the beach; people wear less clothes there. Nothing deep or primordial here, people just like to see other humans of different shapes and sizes in a more natural state…oh, yeah… almost forgot…and they like to do water sports too.
Haha, the comments are the best. Everyone is offended because they feel this is leaving them out. Relax all non-whites. This site is in jest, and out to stereotype whites, not anyone else.
I love living near the water. I’m across from a lake, and like to hit up the shore as often as possible. My dream home is to be on the beach in Encinitas.
I live so near the water, we can’t have a basement. If one digs down further than about ten feet, water starts oozing into your hole. I don’t especially like living this close to the water, I get anxious about flooding during hurricane season. (We live near Houston.)
“On the East Coast, many white people dream of owning ocean front property in New England, where they can make their lives as close as possible to a J. Crew catalog.”
LOL
White people like waterfront living because they can.
Living by the water is a fantastic investment and usually totally out of reach economically for the average person. Water front property will always appreciate as it is a limited resource. People with similar financial wealth will assimilate to this type of property - usually WASPs, with emphasis on WHITE.
You will not find any subsidized housing in any waterfront property.
My husband is from a third-world country and only the poor, the mentally infirm and ex-pat white Americans live near the water.
The romantic little huts on the beaches are for tourists.
Your husband must be Canadian.
Thats silly. My mother hates water. She doesn’t even bathe
# 37 Yes that’s so true about the lifeguards not being there at the beaches.Nothing beats growing up in the Caribbean, going to the beach almost everyday. And then I come to this country and hear certain people(white) tell me I’m suppose to be scare of water and that I can’t swim. I guess that explained the look on the three white people faces, (total shock ) that were at the beach when I was back there just over a year ago and decided to go swimming with my sister way out in the water. LOOK, OUR FEET DONT TOUCH THE BOTTOM!!!!. HA.HA. HA
Huh @ 36. Here in the town where I’m teaching in Eastern China, there are canals and rivers and lakes everywhere. There’s a giant pond in the middle of the school where I teach, purely for scenic purposes, and when students want to have a day out, they go to one of the larger manmade lakes in town and take a paddleboat out on it. It’s a huge part of life.
Admittedly, this isn’t a large city, and isn’t very wealthy, but I’ve heard the nearby city of Suzhou is also full of canals, and it’s pretty large / wealthy / famed.
But then Chinese also represents a really wide range of people, and most Chinese-Americans don’t hail from the region where I’m staying. So YMMV.
White people also like the word “blog”. Read more about it at http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=banish
Enjoy,
white rednecks don’t really like living by the water. and a lot of white people are rednecks. GIVE THE REDNECKS SOME LOVE!
You must not know many rednecks, honey, whether you are black or white, all rednecks love the water. Think of all that easy access to fishin’ 24-7.
In fact, rednecks love the water so much, they dig janky ponds in their front yards, they are like koi ponds, but dirtier.
Educate yourself about redneck culture before you make such outlandish claims.
Poor midwesterners