#54 Kitchen Gadgets
February 5, 2008 by clander
White people are under a lot of pressure to like cooking. Everything in their culture tells them that they need to have a nice kitchen and that they need to cook with organic, fresh ingredients to make delicious, complicated food.
Though any great chef can prepare fantastic meals with a knife and a few pots, white people believe that they need a full cadre of appliances and gadgets in their kitchen in order to live up to the pressure.
If you go into a white person’s kitchen you will find a waffle maker, a rice cooker, a steamer, a food processor, a panini press and a blender. They also have hand powered devices like flour sifters, ravioli crimpers, pizza cutters, potato ricers, and a sushi mat.
But, in order for them to truly enter into whitedom, they need to 
own the holy grail of white kitchens - the kitchen aid stand mixer (right). They will match this mixer to their kitchen’s color scheme and it will make up the focal point. And much like many religious artifacts, it will remain untouched for months and even years, sitting on the counter to be admired as a testament to their lifestyle.
Kitchen Gadgets also serve as one of the main reasons why white people get married. Look at their registry and you will find gadgets for any possible task in the kitchen. If you end up buying one of these for a white person, your card should make reference to them using a lot to make beautiful food that you hope you can eat one day. This kind of stuff goes over like gang busters.
If you find yourself in a conversation about these things, a good way to say a little but mean a lot is to mention that you “find the consumer models to be poorly built, my friend, a chef, brings me with him to a restaurant supply shop that’s not open to the public. The stuff there is real quality, it’s where I get all of my pans.”
If this is too big of a risk, you should just throw out a combination of these words: “le Creuset, Calphalon, All Clad, Williams Sonoma, and Sur Le Table.” White people go so nuts when they hear these words, you won’t even have to finish your sentence.
This is GREAT!!! Black people buy rims, asians buy houses with cash, mexicans make lowriders, white people buy stupid appliances.
I’m looking for the universal word for “those of our kind who are an embarassement to our kind.” Cracker just doesn’t cut it for whitey, nigger is taken, everything else is just too damn ethnicity specific.
How about, “losers”?
I’ve seen some interesting racist sites, but never a good whitey site. Great job. Doo dih doo dih doooo I’m lovin’ it.
I pooped my pants
The word you’re looking for is “yuppie.”
This site has made really accurate observations in the past, but none that hit so close to my little white girl heart.
It actually pains me that y’all are refering to the Kitchen Aid, a tool I consider essential to any grown-up’s kitchen and which is enshrined in my heart, in the same breath as a sushi roller thingy.
Stand mixer is great !!! I want it ! I often cook cake. So I think that if I use this mixer , I could cook vely well. Moreover I think this mixer make people happy.
Now I am high school student. Several years later I will become company person , I want buy it!! Ha ha ha!!
This is a site about white people, not asians.
I hate white people.
Get in line.
White men are awesome to date though!!!
Not written by an Asian chick( By a BLACK “OMG” yes a black chick)
This is completely and postively true. I willingly admit that my soul could be purchased for the queenly sum of a granite countertop, a Volvo and a French Enamel Cooking Pot shaped like a bell pepper.
Alas, I am white and therefore no one wants to buy my “soul.”
I laughed until I cried when I read your comment. We could be sisters!
man you should be selling this stuff to white people… hello kitchen gadget affiliate programs!
Ummm, it’s Sur La Table, not Sur Le Table
“I’m looking for the universal word for “those of our kind who are an embarassement to our kind.” Cracker just doesn’t cut it for whitey, n—– is taken, everything else is just too damn ethnicity specific. How about, “losers”?” - Rich Hill
How about “eunuch”?
Interesting…another word for “eunuch” is “democrat.”
All hail the Kitchen Aid!
I bought White Appliances so I could make my own Taco Bell menu features. Being white (and fat), I eat like three combos.
I also am addicted to Ex-Lax. How many brothers do you know who love Ex-Lax?
What is funny about it is that you do all of these things yourself.
white people have rice cookers? I thought this was a purely FOB thing. when did you start eating rice? finally you’ve come around to the food staple of the majority of the world!
Of course we eat rice: organic brown rice, organic basmati rice, organic wild rice…We just don’t eat the long grain rice that’s sold at the average grocery store!
The kitchen aid mixer… Somehow I grew up in a house without a counter space wasting mixer. Mom made cookies and cakes with a regular old hand held electric mixer. How medieval!
That’s pretty funny… I bought my husband a KitchenAid stand mixer for Valentine’s day, by his request. We also have All Clad and a rice cooker, of course.
I got a DUVET.
me too, I have all those things for my house and now that I own a camping car, RV, I have all those things for my camping adventures. I used my electric roaster to roast a 16 pound turkey this weekend while camping. yep, I’m half Irish and half Mexican but pass as white
we don’t need rice cause we’ve got corn. i can’t wait till my tortilla press arrives in the mail.
The Kitchen Aid stand mixer is excelled by the Bosch Universal. It is imported from Germany, more expensive and can knead 6 loaves of whole wheat bread at at time with its included dough hook, wheat that has been ground in a Nutrimill home wheat grinder. My wife has both on our granite counters. We never eat white flour or sugar, which is another sign that we are white people.
Why would you go through all the trouble of buying that crap when you can hire a mexican who can do it without those gadgets? Just kidding, I wouldn’t hire a mexican.
I know! It’s so tedious having to count the silver every day…
Out of the listed kitchen gadgets, I’ve only got a blender and a pizza cutter, but I’m white and I like to cook.
Maybe I’m just too poor to care about things I don’t really need.
i’m but white but I’m getting married next year and i can’t wait to do the registry (don’t want to do it too soon and look greedy) just so that i can get some calphalon pots and pans! This site is awesome and i’m rolling on the floor laughing. it’s a commentary on our whole upper-middle class lifestyle and i love it.
My spouse loves kitchen gadgets, but I do most of the cooking. She bought a deep fryer about 13 years ago and we have yet to use it. I took it apart once and read the instructions. It sits serenely under our brushed chrome Kitchen Aid mixer that is used solely to make pizza dough. My spouse has used it to mix cookie batter a few times and a few pies, but didn’t really want to wear it out. What I’ll do is put things like that fucking deep fryer on ebay. One day she’ll ask me what did you do with the deep fryer and I’ll say remember those delicious Spanish reds, Syrahs and Zinfandels we drank…
stuffblackpeoplelike - eating watermelon! hahaha!!!
stuffarabpeoplelike - pumping oil! hahaha!!!
stuffblackpeoplelike - gang warfare! hahaha!!!
stuffmexicanpeoplelike - eating beans! hahaha!!!
stuffchinesepeoplelike - shooting heroin! hahaha!!!
stuffblackpeoplelike - welfare! hahaha!!!
stuffjewishpeoplelike - keeping money! hahaha!!!
stuffmexicanpeoplelike - wearing sombreros! hahaha!!!
stuffchinesepeoplelike - eating rice! hahaha!!!
stuffarabpeoplelike - kissing goats! hahaha!!!
stuffmexicanpeoplelike - wearing sombreros! hahaha!!!
stuffblackpeoplelike - sniffing glue! hahaha!!!
aren’t i funny and clever!!!
don’t you dare call me a racist!!!
You’re a moron.
blondie, the above is ironic. don’t take it seriously.
I’m white and have a pasta maker, waffle iron, and coffee grinder. I should be murdered.
My wife wants a kitchen aid stand mixer so bad. the red one specifically. i told her ‘no’, that would make us more whitified as we already wash our dishes in the dishwasher (instead of using it as a drying rack or random utensil storage). i’m not sure i can stand being MORE white than that.
I’m confused. I’m Chinese. I was born in an old village and we had to pick raw rice from the fields, then bring it back to the shack to squat down and wash and cook at the fireplace. If we were lucky enough to catch a chicken or duck that was running around, we’d slaughter that motherfucker too.
When we came to America we thought white folks didn’t cook since you guys have like restaurants n shit. And like those machines, I think they’re called microwaves. And you guys have so much food that you keep it stored away in cold boxes. Like you don’t even eat that shit right away like us starving chinamen do.
20) You may not be racist, but you aren’t funny, either.
Actually, Anonymous, white people are the ones sniffing glue.
And I just bought a quesadilla maker - no flipping. It’s my second one - moved to England so had to get one with the right plug. I’m so white I glow in the dark.
I think your blog is hilarious.
I do not cook, yet I find myself lusting after Calphalon pots. I also own a lemon zester, a garlic press, and a cherry pitter. You know, just in case.
Hey, now, those are some pretty necessary components to any white kitchen! Except the garlic press, of course, because my Italian Nonnie would beat me with her wooden spoons if she caught me using one of those… : /
I definitely lust after a Kitchen Aid stand mixer, but I have this strange tendency to USE my innumerable kitchen appliances!
I own that waffle maker but I am moving up to the double waffle maker soon….
i am a tool
heh.
thing is, the two All Clad pans I have are the only pans I have, and they’re the last goddam pans I’ll ever have to buy. and I use em all the time.
the rest of the cited stuff is stupid yuppie tchotchkes. all you need are a few good tools. if you’re a lousy cook, thousands of dollars worth of crap used once a decade aren’t going to help.
I have a Kitchen Aid mixer that I only use at Christmas. I keep it in a closet, because if I keep it on the counter, it gets dusty. Dust is bad in the kitchen, mmm hmm.
[...] because of its amazing authenticity. (Other entries that describe me pretty well: Apple Products, Kitchen Gadgets, Apologies. And the one about the Sunday New York Times is a dead ringer for my family, except for [...]
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I have a theory that the upcoming white person’s must-have kitchen item are Japanese knives (like Global brand). They have a number of advantages over other knives:
- White people love Japan. Other high-end knives are made by Germans, ie other white people, and white people like to spread the love to other cultures in the name of diversity.
- The Japanese Global knives look different with pocked metal handles so white friends who aren’t in the know will ask about them.
- They were touted by Anthony Bourdain so they will win you cred with your white foodie friends.
- They’re still pretty expensive.
All that’s too complicated. It was simply easier for me to marry a Japanese woman. Plus, that took care of the rice cooker gadget. Maybe I took #11 too seriously?
PS I love my Kitchenaid. I use it only twice a year, but when I do, it’s awesome.
[...] The site made me laugh hysterically, but it also made tell myself things like, “I use my KitchenAid mixer all the time! Like once every two weeks at least!” But then I thought about every single [...]
I have a kitchenaid stand mixer almost exactly like the one in the picture. (Wasn’t picked to match any decor, though.) I use it at least once a week, though, often more. Apparently I should stop using it to complete my whiteness.
Likewise. I have the smaller of the commercial models and I use it on a regular basis. If I had to give up that and my food processor, I might just cry.. and start eating takeout.
Drat You!
I want one of those Kitchen Aid mixers. My wife has not one but two rice cookers (however being from the Philippines the small cooker is used daily)! We do cook a lot and the tool would get used.
Here is a related one for you – cookbooks. The Joy of Cooking the New York Times cookbook, and an assortment of ethnic cookbooks etc. Not only do they have them, but all are stainless and pristine.
I just found your blog today. This is hilarious stuff! BTW I have that exact Kitchen Aid mixer. It’s sitting out on a shelf in plain view. I used to keep it in a closet, but I decided if I look at it every day, I will use it more. I now use it about once a month, up from once every 3 - 6 months. But I’m telling you it mixes up a giant batch of cookies, and makes quick work of sponge cake. (which I’ve made once in my lifetime)
I read this and went down stairs to work with my friend who happens to be white, buying this expensive toaster online, that has a side for bagels and also 2 sides for tost. I almost peed my pants.
Without my waffle machine I would starve to death!
Hey, I actually use my cobalt-blue-matched-to-my-kitchen Kitchen Aid mixer. To make chocolate chip cookie dough, which I eat raw. If I’m pregnant, my husband makes me use pasteurized eggs to do this, which makes us absolutely glaringly white.
KitchenAid stuff has always been understood to be de rigueur. The latest status gadget is the tagine! If you don’t own one that means that you still go to restaurants with drive-thru windows.
“William Sonoma said:
The Kitchen Aid stand mixer is excelled by the Bosch Universal. It is imported from Germany,…”
Please, to real cooks it’s a paperweight.
Mine is “gun-metal gray” a popular color for gay men during the nineties. Makes a great object d’ arte.
I have a (sob) cheaper Kitchen Aid, you know, the one that was all hubby could afford. I used to use it almost daily but that caught up with me and I got diabetes type 2. Now it sadly sits and watches me eat little or no carbs.
I still, however, want to get it painted up with flames, ala Alton Brown.
Does that mean I’m turning into white trash??
It is funny that the previous poster mentions Alton Brown, white people really really like Alton Brown.
Psh. No self-respcting white person has a panini press, when a George Foreman grill doubles as one perfectly well.
Don’t put me in your little white box. To paraphrase Charles Barkley, “I am not a stereotype.”
Do I drive a Volvo? Yes. Do I own enough kitchen gadgets to open my own Sur La Table? Sure.
Can I lip synch to Kanye, Young MC, Digital Underground, De La Soul, Rob Bass and a host of other cross-over sensations? You betcha.
I own Doc Martens. I ride a $2k mountain bike. I have traveled, studied, and lived abroad. I have seen Elton John in concert.
I am so white that if I stand naked in front of a snow drift, all you’ll see is a pair of green eyes.
Does any of this make me a bad guy? I doubt it.
I love Nas - particularly Stillmatic and I Am…
I don;t cross the street when I see a black man walking towards me.
I remember when dunking meant Larry Nance and Dominique more than Vinsanity and Dwight ‘Superman’ Howard. (Shit… 7′? Of course you can dunk negro. Call Greg ‘Cadillac’ Anderson’ sometime.)
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go put on a Cosby Show DVD show I can see what life is really life for black people in America…
Peace to all you whiteys, blackies, yellows, browns and any othe color out there.
Except you blues. Fuck you Smurf ass motherfuc*ers.
This for the person that continues to post the same thing(#20)…I’m black and I don’t think your racist …Well everybody to a certain degree and who cares…but Black people and waterMelons? When did you come to that conclusion? Have you witness black people more of their fair share of water melon or did you hear it can kept repeating it? Maybe fried chicken but even that shit is old…Now you can change that to Rims, big a chains, ear rings, Nike shoes, white women,….blah blah blah. Those things I can deal with….And Mexicans and sombreros …Come on NOw!!!!
i’m white and my most gadgety kitchen thing is a cheap pressure cooker from walmart (with a crappy gasket). other than that, i’ve got a couple knives, a sauce pan, a big pot, and a fry pan.
you had me rolling with that last bit with le Creuset, Calphalon Williams Sonoma etc. Good reads so far!
[...] Kitchen gadgets [...]
So true. I’ve been talking nonstop about my new food processor since Christmas. Ummm, and my le creuset baking dish….yeah.
Okay, now that I’ve read most of the entries, this one is defnitely the funniest of all.
Two of the whitest kitchen-related words ever: Bain Marie
[...] (where all of their opinions are developed from), “expensive sandwiches“, “kitchen gadgets“, “Asian fusion food”, “studying abroad”, [...]
I have a sexy Empire Red Professional Kitchen Aid. I use it daily to make Organic whole wheat bread, of course. I also make cookies for underprivileged kids that I teach. I’m so on the list!
Busted: I own that exact waffle iron and a Red Kitchen Aid. Too funny.
BUS…TED. Not only do I own a Kitchen Aid mixer along with every other gadget on the planet except a Tater Twister (hey, even I won’t stoop to that), but we have the PRO series with about 6 different attachments.
In my defense, the HUBBY wanted it and we do use it from time to time.
I think I need some nice expensive wine…..or tequila.