#56 Lawyers
February 6, 2008 by mylosh
A common characteristic amongst white people is the need to over analyze things, so they partake in activities such as therapy, writing a blog, or becoming an arts major. So its rather obvious why white people love lawyers so much as it is the one profession that has mastered the art of “over analyzing things”. Even though most disputes can be resolved through reason, unselfishness, and / or a google search, white people would prefer to take things to court or have something in writing. Lawyers are seen as the ultimate problem solvers and “the law” is seen as the be all, end all, of resolving all the world’s ills. In fact white people tend to have better relationships with their lawyers than with family members or friends. Please note that when around white people, that it is social suicide to admit or state that you don’t have a regular lawyer.
But perhaps the one main reason why white people love lawyers is the sense that they are giving back to the community. Most white people major in the arts, and law school is pretty much the only option for anyone with a BA that wants a decent paying job. Basically this love of the law is keeping the demand for lawyers much higher than it should be. So paying lawyer fees to settle the smallest problem, is the white person equivalent of Warrick Dunn building homes for low income families.
White people also love TV shows and movies about lawyers. That’s why so many of them decide that it is the only respectable career and go to law school at 40, thinking that somehow the will turn into Matt Damon and Gretchen Mol in Rounders.
They are wrong.
I pooped my pants
Who let Rod Stewart on here?
Having a lawyer comes in good hand sometimes. You can always take a tragedy into your advantage. The families of victims of VT shooting last year jsut won $11 mil lawsuit. One could never replace a lost son or daughter and sll killers should rot but at the same time personal gaining $$ from such tragic events also corrupt our moral. It seems that everybody is suing everybody now a day. The rich Duke ) lacross) boys are suing the school fro defamation. Dang, i could be sitting on pot of gold for being called “chink” back in high school. yes what minority never got defamed in school, court system, police dept.
Peace out
-Foo Man Cho
White people love those flip flops with the rainbow logo on them, especially wearing them with pants to work.
Rainbows rule!
I’m watching Law & Order right now. Poorer, mostly urban, white people like cop shows too.
I don’t know anyone who doesn’t enjoy cops
… Dam that show is good
even though many whities won’t admit it (How the f-ck do u spell whities?)
Seeing as how the majority of criminal defendants are black or mexican, I’m sure they love lawyers at least as equally as white people.
unless it’s a public defender who cannnot even remember their name…or worse, how to pronounce it!
American and British whites prefer to major in the arts, but German, Russian and other Europeans more often major in Sciences and Engineering. There is truth in generalizations, but the generalization itself is not the truth. Find the truth within the generalization. Note the abundant analysis here- from a white man. Lol.
Lets not forget that most of the greatest discoveries in modern science were made by white people. Americans and Europeans together have won atleast three times as many Nobels in the sciences as people from the rest of the world. So it would be wrong to say that all whites major in arts. I am an indian and I work in a semiconductor company where a majority of my colleagues are white. Almost all of them are brilliant engineers. Before I came to this country, I was under the impression that whites have no interest in the sciences, but I have now found that its not true. Sometimes, I think that this myth is propagated by white people themselves to divert attention from the fact that they hold the IP rights to some of the best technologies in the world and that the rest of us are only working for them
White people tend to like anything involving strictly defined rules and agreed upon events that take place within said rules. I have found that white people also relish punctuality.
White people also like sex education, and any knowledge about sex and contraception that makes sex seem less sexy and demystified.
This is true but I’ve been living in developing (aka poor) countries for a while now, and I’ve noticed that they require lawyers to do many more things than we do in the US, like buying a car, renting an apartment, or even getting a business phone line installed…
On the other hand they probably don’t respect lawyers as much as we white people do.
You mean to tell me that there is legal work in auto transactions somewhere in the world?! Tell me more (including the going rate for such services).
I don’t think this is true at all. More like there are so many contractual disputes that Lawyering consumes all.
Meanwhile, Lawyer’s earnings plummet, as more and more legal work is being outsourced to the third world. Yes, most briefs now are being written overseas. The exception being highly paid top-flight litigators in high profile corporate or criminal defense cases.
Most people would prefer to avoid lawyers, and lawyering is a more recent development, in that most people did not sue/counter-sue. [Though the birth of railroads saw a huge influx of lawyering. Lincoln got his start as a railroad lawyer defending against suits by riverboat companies.] That being said, you wouldn’t read fiction from say 1900-1950 and see routine references to lawyering. Mostly, lawyering was a case for criminal issues — Clarence Darrow or Atticus Finch. Rather than routine issues of employment.
How stupid are you, Jimmy? Why do you think it costs $300/hr for the basic criminal defense or tort lawyer? So he can then pass work on to someone else? High profile lawyers (partners) file briefs written by associates with low salaries ($150k).
Nice analysis, douchebag.
I hope you go to a really good law school if you think you’re going to start out at $150K.
Okay, everybody stop reading the responses for a minute, now go back and re-read the first sentance of the post. Hopefully you’ll find it amusing.
NObody likes lawyers.
Starts off well, turns to crap rapidly.
The US may be like that - the UK isn’t. We hate lawyers.
[...] would otherwise be unemployed were it not for the high rate of divorce. So just like the love of lawyers, getting divorced is a way to give back to the [...]
This is interesting, because as a lawyer i take an endless of amount of crap. Meanwhile, TV is full of lawyer shows and at parties people are always getting drunk and crying about how much they wanted to go to law school. Or telling me their kids are going to law school if they can get in.
“Most white people major in the arts, and law school is pretty much the only option for anyone with a BA that wants a decent paying job.”
True. Law school has become Plan B. Whites with ambitions of doing some job that’s altruistic, artistic, and/or intellectual often attempt it for a few years after college before throwing in the towel (having learned that they have no talent or that they’re doing something that even pays the talented little money) and go to law school. This is particularly embarrassing for those who had attempted altruistic work (e.g., teach for america, peace corp), because the legal work they wind up doing effectively negates their former altruism a million times over, leaving them for years to rationalize (to themselves and others) how being yet another douchebag litigator or corporate lawyer somehow has allowed them to fulfill their ambitions — just in an indirect kinda way.
This blog title is misleading: what you are in fact referring to and mocking is a certain subsection of white people in North America (mainly the US and to a lesser extent the non-Francophone parts of Canada), who are liberal/left-wing poseurs with above average incomes.
Most whites in the UK (where I am from) are nothing like that! Indeed, many whites from America itself are nothing like the whites you mock here. Moreover, whites from the non-anglophone world would hardly recognise any of the stereotypes you portray here. Talk about ethnocentric!
I suspect you are an Angry Asian Male (AAM) who has been brought up and educated among upper-middle class whites, subjected to their patronising behaviour and seen most of “your” fellow Asian women hook up with white men. This blog is your way of expressing your anger and getting some measure of revenge against the whites who have bothered you for so long. It’s funny and all, but please remember the target of your lampooning is a very narrow sub-section of the Caucasian race as a whole.
Oh, and Asians can be just as funny and weird too.
I’m with #9, they suck mightily. They can make one simple correspondence into 3-4, and then of course have to call you about it as well. Cha-Ching$$$ nah we don’t love them, we hate them. Especially when they don’t give you straight answers right away and leave you worse off than before you gave them the retainer. Try to do EVERYTHING in life without them. Only if you have done something REAL bad, get one.
I am a first year law student (Plan B). I just started reading your blog. Brilliant.
stuffblackpeoplelike - eating watermelon! hahaha!!!
stuffarabpeoplelike - pumping oil! hahaha!!!
stuffblackpeoplelike - gang warfare! hahaha!!!
stuffmexicanpeoplelike - eating beans! hahaha!!!
stuffchinesepeoplelike - shooting heroin! hahaha!!!
stuffblackpeoplelike - welfare! hahaha!!!
stuffjewishpeoplelike - keeping money! hahaha!!!
stuffmexicanpeoplelike - wearing sombreros! hahaha!!!
stuffchinesepeoplelike - eating rice! hahaha!!!
stuffarabpeoplelike - kissing goats! hahaha!!!
stuffmexicanpeoplelike - wearing sombreros! hahaha!!!
stuffblackpeoplelike - sniffing glue! hahaha!!!
aren’t i funny and clever!!!
don’t you dare call me a racist!!!
I’m white and I don’t have a regular lawyer. Give me candy.
This blog is hilarious, and painfully accurate, except for this post. Lawyers suck. Did you see Michael Clayton? A great white movie.
Funny! I live in rural Alabama (!) outside a college town. The lawyer this whole blog me think of makes his living off rich Republican real estate developers, but he salves his guilt by doing pro bono for the local “save the animals”, and “save the river” groups. He also drives a Prius, recycles, and smokes a little pot now and then and all the hippies think he’s still cool and bring him their divorce business. I just keep telling my (white) self that he’s doing the best that he can, because that’s what my (black) preacher told me to think about folks when I start getting judgemental on their ass.
I think this is hilarous. As white persona and future lawyer, I love it!
#18, when you say “candy” I assume you mean fair trade, organic candy?
I’m a white lawyer without a regular lawyer - gah! Letting the side down.
I believe this post should actually be on stuffrichwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com.
“A common characteristic amongst white people is the need to over analyze things, so they partake in activities such as therapy, WRITING A BLOG, or becoming an arts major.”
Does that mean the author of this blog is white?
[...] NBlack wrote an engrossing place today onHere’s a hurried excerptSo its kinda manifest connector albescent grouping ass lawyers so much as it is the member statement that has amend the prowess of “over analyzing things”. Even though most disputes crapper be desperate ended reason, unselfishness, and / or a google … [...]
Brown people HATE lawyers.
Redgreen: So true, so true.
Hey, I’m an Asian lawyer and half the people in my practice group are Asian! Ok, fine, we do intellectual property, but still.
Lawyers are to rich white people what child soldiers are to African warlords.
Well, you may have a point, but at least we redistribute the assets (to ourselves) more effectively than child soldiers… they barely even manage to scrape a pair of shoes out of the deal.
[...] the rest of this enthusiastic place here Author: Time: Sunday, February 24th, 2008 at 2:49 am Category: Lawyers Comments: You can [...]
the reason white people like lawyers so much is because they are the official spokespeople of the law. and most white people know deep down that the law is one of the main ways in which white people keep themselves in a privileged position. so even though they feel that the law is the great equalizer, what they’re really saying is “thanks for systematically keeping non-whites down!”
As a lawyer, I am deeply offended by this post. If white people stopped being selfish, took responsibility when they did something wrong, and used reason and good sense to resolve disputes, what the hell would I do for a living?
The author has himself has over-analyzed this question. White people like lawyers because white people have assets, and assets demand the protection of laws to stay in existence.
Re: Jim Rockford above (Comment
Although I know that the outsourcing of brief-writing has happened in the past, I don’t know ANY lawyer in actual practice that has been willing to risk his career or a case on it. Mostly it’s the corporate in-house attorneys that have done it to try to cut costs on their end, rather than doing the work themselves or getting help from an outside attorney.
Working for a Probate Court, I see what the outsourcing of basic transcription services from Physician and Psychologist reports has done to the quality of work. The grammar is awful, misspelling is rampant, and more than once, a sentence has been left hanging without a verb. The doctors don’t even bother to read the reports before they sign them. If practicing attorneys ever actually try to seriously outsource full brief-writing, they’ll probably get reamed out so badly for the writing by the court that they will never do it again.
as a white law student on plan B, hahahahha! made my day.
as a white law student, i must say, there are too many white law students.
The one post I disagree with so far! Lawyers are extremely controversial. I think tons of white people despise them.
Lawyers are motherf*ckers. England’s full of Lawyers now. If you finish your degree, it hasn’t taught you anything useful, you lack the creativity to be creative and you’re too much of a pussy to work in finance, advertising or media, you go to law school. It used to be teaching but teaching pays less and you get stabbed by blacks in the classroom.
Lawyers are pointless, ugly and almost exclusively white. This is not to say whites are ugly, or pointless, indeed many are hot and pointy, pointed even.
I love this sh1t. Make out with me.
My lawyer husband’s lawyer friend sent this to me. I make sure to regularly remind my husband that his profession profits from other people’s misery. Maybe it balances out. As an accountant it seems like everybody else makes profit while I’m miserable.
Should’ve called this post “Law School” and cut the first paragraph
I’m a lawyer. And not just any lawyer. I’m a divorce lawyer in a big general practice firm. I guess I just had no idea my profession would serve white society on so many levels. If only I had a B.A. or a deep love for indie films, I could probably be revered as a white goddess, huh?
White people don’t like lawyers. No one likes lawyers.
People enjoy fiction about lawyers, not the lawyers themselves. “The Wire” is popular, but actual drug dealers? Not so much.
I AM CONVINCED THIS WHOLE WEBSITE IS A SATIRE ABOUT LIBERAL JEWS AND THEIR QUIRKS.
Come on. Lawyers = Jews. Any Gentile that is a lawyer is a wannabe Jew!!
ps POST 42 proves this is a site about Jews and their lives.
Yea, to whoever is writing this blog, sorry, but NOBODY likes lawyers.
I feel so validated! Took that B.G.S. in Creative Writing and went straight to law school with it! And yeah, most of my “real” lawyer friends are also former arts majors.
I thought the Jews liked lawyers. Is this guy getting jews and white people mixed up?
Lawyers are analogous to money. Without them, you can’t do anything legally really. If you have them, you can do a lot more! This includes fixing you up when you get your ass in trouble.
i’m a lawyer too (i’m as unwhite as it gets these days - arab), and all the white lawyers i know are just as the post describes. but so are all the other ones…you must not know this, but pretty much EVERYONE goes into law school because they didn’t know what to do with their arts degrees and because they really did want to help the world. sure most of us don’t end up doing that but blame capitalism.
i practice in a brown country btw and there’s no outsourcing of anything. on the contrary, american lawyers etc are always trying to do stuff their way and it doesn’t work and screws shit up enormously.
more apt post topics: mayonnaise, and being friends with ex boyfriends and girlfriends.
Once upon a time, I was a nanny for a lady going through the court system to settle custody with her ex. She phoned her lawyer and left him a brief message letting him know she might be a few minutes late for their meeting (turned out she wasn’t), and was shocked when he charged her $40 for the voicemail. From then on, anytime she had to leave a voicemail , she would tell a lawyer joke to make it worth her while to shell out $40.
Problem: Disputes wouldn’t arise in the first place if people were “unselfish”.
Hey now, every race likes lawyers, it’s just that we have price differences. You just wait till that B!tch from Arkasas/NewYork tries to include Florida and Michigan. Then you will see some serious african american lawyering on my part. I may even bring on Johnny Cock from the ground to give her the Marsha Clarke treatment. The NAACP will be burning crosses in her yard. Yah thats how it’s going down…… CHANGE!
Hillary’s not “from” Arkansas. She’s from a ‘white’ Chicago suburb that they won’t let Obama live in (and still be ‘black’).
So the man that wrote “kill all of the lawyers” was not white?
After the PhD in political science, and the need to get out of the small college town located in the middle of no-where, where I was making less than $35,000, what else was there to do but go to law school.
White people also like the word “blog”. Read more about this awful word at http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=banish
Man I hate lawyers.
I find this post highly amusing but many of the following comments ignorant. I am a lawyer. I work at a not for profit firm. You all can talk all the shit you want about lawyers - it doesnt offend me as I often find opposing counsel to be assholes- but you navigate the legal system yourselves for your arrest/divorce/custody dispute/personal injury suit/consumer credit issues and see how far you get.
I will always believe that generalizations of any type are the mark of ignorance.
This is one entry i find a bit off base. Like Anonymous #58 I’m also a lawyer, and can assure you it’s not a badge of honor in any circles these days, ESPECIALLY the white folks parodied so keenly on this blog. (The other comments certainly prove my point.) Almost nothing is cooler than bashing lawyers, even among lawyers. (And I’m not complaining … I generally tend to agree.) We probably rank slightly above or slightly below investment bankers in popularity and respect, but calling your lawyer has replaced going to the dentist as life’s least pleasant necessity.
[...] #56 Lawyers [...]
I am 60 years old and have practiced the “chosen” profession for over 30 years. I was a fan of To Kill A Mocking Bird and Paper Chase. So off I went on the yellow brick road. As a criminal defense attorney, I quickly realized that it was all about winning. Regardless. Whether my client was charged with selling drugs or killing his drug dealer, it made no difference. All of the lawyer journals I read over the years rationalized away what I was doing. My lawyer friends attempted to persuade me that we were making the world a better place blah blah blah. At the end of the day, it is all about money. As long as you can accept that as reality, you should be able to sleep at night. If I had the chance, would I do anything different? Probably not. For many, I have made a difference. People tend to hate lawyers until they need one. And then they hire the best they can afford. Just ask O.J.