#59 Natural Medicine
February 7, 2008 by clander
One thing all white people believe is that natural medicine can cure everything. If you want to test this theory, think about which stores supply the bulk of natural/herbal remedies? Thats right! Whole Foods and Organic Co-ops!
Because of a rather shady history, white people do not trust the pharmaceutical industry. Using pretty sound logic, they believe that the drug companies have no motivation to find real cures for things like AIDS since the real profit are in drugs like Viagra and Xanax.
Using their powers of deduction, white people have determined that herbal remedies are unilaterally better than anything produced by a drug company.
Since white people can’t really blame any race for their problems, they need to blame corporations. In this case, the reason that they are sick or fat or without energy is because the drug companies are in a conspiracy to keep them addicted to placebos. This helps them shed accountability, and it lets them feel like they are helping the environment by rejecting the polluting, greedy, awful drug companies and taking natural, organic medicine from the earth.
But perhaps it goes deeper. Hundreds of years ago, another group of people believed firmly in natural medicine and it’s ability to cure disease. Then white people gave them blankets with small pox and they all died. So perhaps turning to natural medicine also helps white people feel better about killing natives.
How can you use this for gain? It’s easy! When a white person you work with is feeling sick or says they have no energy, ask them to tell you more about their problems. After pretending to listen for a little while, tell them that in your culture/home country “we cured that using a special herbal powder from [insert made up tree] root.”
Then the next day bring them a small bag of basil or oregano and tell them to boil it in a tea (white people love to believe in magic teas) and see how they feel in the morning. One of two things will happen. They will either wake up feeling great because they want to feel great and they’ll thank you profusely. Or they will wake up feeling like crap, and when you confront them at work, they will lie and say they feel good.
Either way, you did them a favor so now they owe you a favor.
Note: it’s weird that there are some white people who won’t take aspirin, but will take Ecstasy, Cocaine, Xanax and Vicodin.
Didn’t South Park do an episode on this when some quack tried to sell the citizens tampons made of Cherokee hair?
I pooped my pants
yes they did
if you can watch south park and not die, that is because you are profoundly mentally ill.
what do you have against south park? its very funny and although insulting they dont discriminate since they do it to everyone. i think your mentally ill
This is really funny. Yesterday as I was going to work at the INtl Airport, I got into the company van and we started driving. Just as we were about to leave the city of edmonton a big sign on the side of the city streets read ”ORGANICS TEA BAR”.
The Company driver who of course is white exclaimed ” Now!, That’s Gotta Be Good for Ya!!”
One has to understand where that came from. Anything organic and even better, its now a Tea, combine the two and wow, you got them impressed.
So I sat there in my seat thinking and saying to myself,,, ‘hmm.. that’s sounds very resounding”
lols
This one was a reach IMO.
Yeah, this is my MIL to a ‘T’. Actually all my in-laws are into holistic/herbal stuff.
[...] Like. Worth a read. I found myself agreeing with a lot - particularly the stuff about natural ‘medicine’ and tea, and distinctly uncomfortable over the [...]
Hilarious blog! Honestly though, lots of “non-white” Native Americans, African Americans and Asian Americans are really into natural and alternative medicine. Maybe they don’t talk about it as often or buy expensive stuff at Whole Foods though…
Funny stuff. I find it interesting and hilarious that we are now able to tap “deep down” into the white psyche.What else have they been hiding for so long? I ask myself.
I’ve yet to see an asian in Teavana.
i work in the holistic department at wild oats (recently bought out by whole foods) in memphis, and during elvis week we get scores of asians in our department
I love this blog, too funny.
fuck you
This white man, despite my unfortunate name, has a smallish white penis. I can’t even blame a corporation for that. Fuck being white. It sucks.
thu
Actually basil tea is good if you’re throwing up…
White people like Buddhism and books for dummies.
Refusing to blame race and placing blame on corporations/employers is rooted in Marxism. According to Marxism, racism is a tool of the powerful to keep the labour forces divided and unable to work together and use their numbers to achieve better working conditions, as unions do.
“One thing all white people believe is that natural medicine can cure everything. ”
Have you spoken to every single white person on the face of this planet to verify this statement? Obviously not, you forgot to speak to me. I haven’t even read the article yet, however, I want to say right off the bat, that, I believe herbal medicine can be very healing, but there are some things Western Medicine is more suitable for.
wait, this is a site written by asian people… and you make fun of white people for using natural medicine?? Doesn’t that seem a bit odd. Have you ever seen a chinese medicine store?
or wait, is this written by philipinos?
I am one of those people that don’t take aspirin but will take the others (well not Xanax or Vicodin), I don’t know why.
I got a good laugh!! not at the blog,but at the retards who came up with this racist shit!!
What do blacks,asians, and latinos like??? Anything that’s been made or invented by us nasty old White folks, because the whole “mentally challenged” thing makes it hard for them to come up with anything on their own!!
Oh wait! a black guy did invent peanut butter!
It’s too bad that this website is so negative. I’m not sure what it’s supposed to promote other than hate. What a waste of 1’s and 0’s.
Another white guy shows his complete lack of humor for all to see.
*shakes head* I hate to tell you this but this condition is, well, usually fatal.
Take these Bill Cosby CDs home and let me know how you feel in the morning. Maybe, with a strong support network you just might make it.
White People need to chill the fuck out. This is informative stuff!
Do white people understand satire? I’m not white so I don’t know but some of the comments here lead me to believe they might not. Interesting.
You’re welcome for peanut butter Bart.
@ #19
Black People did not invent peanut butter. You need to read up on your George Washington Carver history, because I’m sure thats who you are referencing. For future reference, it really helps your case when you are not a moron!
Additions to your blog
-Dave Matthews Band (circa 2000)
-Rush Limbaugh
-Sarah Silverman
Until it comes to talking trash about other cultures.
I’m white, but it’s ok because I feel bad about it.
people need to chill out..im white and i think this shits funny..
i think it’s pretty funny and i’m fairly white. but actually, this one is a little sad, because whites actually are more likely to make use of modern medicine than some other ethnicities. as for the white folks who eat b12 to cure disease; we’re better with them out of the gene pool…
The small-pox blankets story is a defamation against whites, but that is acceptable, especially to self-hating whites themselves. A British army officer did it once during the French and Indian War to an enemy tribe. So it was actually a good and clever thing, unless you want the US to be like Quebec.
Lord Jeff Amherst, one the most celebrated white historical assholes in my liberal ass town of Amherst, MA!
I’m a white man, and I approve this blog.
We are, as a race, hilarious.
In a sad way.
If you think about it, genetically, we’re the latest arrivals on the field — blue eyes: single genetic burp about 8,000 years ago — red hair: (admittedly still rare, even among whites) probably brought over from neanderthal miscegenation. No wonder we’re the kids who get laughed at. That’s why we developed nuclear weapons.
has there been a “white people like blogs” post yet? Because I’m totally down with blogs. And I’m white.
*** “Then white people gave them blankets with small pox and they all died.” ***
OK, so I always laugh at the self-righteous schmoes who post indignant comments on this site, but this one cannot go unanswered.
The smallpox-infected blanket “gift” happened once, MAYBE. It happened when a band of Indians were laying siege to a British fort. The British MAY have made a deliberate gift of smallpox infected blankets during truce negotiations, though the journal entry of the British officer is somewhat unclear on the matter.
Either way, it happened (if it happened) during a rather nasty war.
Somehow I suspect that the whitepeople who believe this happened frequently also believe the Crusades were an evil offensive engagement against the “peaceful” Seljuk Turks and Muslims who had peacefully conquered most of Asia Minor and the Levant just a few years before.
*** “red hair: (admittedly still rare, even among whites) probably brought over from neanderthal miscegenation.” ***
The gene for red hair is a mutation estimated to be 80,000 years old, and is present in every population in the world. The mutation probably occurred before Homo sapiens began its spread out of Africa. Its higher rate of presence in the British Isles is probably due to nothing more than founder effect/genetic drift along with the fact that the paler skin it causes is no harm in a place like Europe.
Blonde hair is a newer development and probably happened in Europe, though a different mutation causes the same result in - of all people - Australian aborigines.
I think “natural” holistic medicine (herbal remedies and such), is more of an Asian thing.
Replace “white people” by “Hipsters” and that will be the most accurate blog out there.
stuffblackpeoplelike - eating watermelon! hahaha!!!
stuffarabpeoplelike - pumping oil! hahaha!!!
stuffblackpeoplelike - gang warfare! hahaha!!!
stuffmexicanpeoplelike - eating beans! hahaha!!!
stuffchinesepeoplelike - shooting heroin! hahaha!!!
stuffblackpeoplelike - welfare! hahaha!!!
stuffjewishpeoplelike - keeping money! hahaha!!!
stuffmexicanpeoplelike - wearing sombreros! hahaha!!!
stuffchinesepeoplelike - eating rice! hahaha!!!
stuffarabpeoplelike - kissing goats! hahaha!!!
stuffmexicanpeoplelike - wearing sombreros! hahaha!!!
stuffblackpeoplelike - sniffing glue! hahaha!!!
aren’t i funny and clever!!!
don’t you dare call me a racist!!!
Mm, I think you missed the mark on this one, guys… I know any number of non-white-hegemonic-heteronormative-middle-class-yuppie people who are way more into natural remedies than than perhaps the efficacy of these remedies warrant.
And a lot of the white people commenting on this blog need to get the sticks out their asses and, like, visit New York City for a while or something. It’s discomfort at even talking about race that leads to the “wait, you can’t make these jokes, *I* was always told not to make jokes about race!” attitude I’m hearing here. You spend enough time in New York, with everyone wearing their ethnicity and their ignorant prejudices and their curiosity about others on their sleeves, and you get over the apparently grievous sin of making jokes about race pretty quick.
This one is a reach?! HARDLY! This is the best yet! It’s so…ME! HAHAHAHA! And my mom took her blood pressure tea tonight so hopefully she won’t have to go on medication.
I love to believe in magic teas. Hahahahhaha this was sooo funny! Studies finally proved milk thistle tea can reduce fatty liver problems that can contribute to diabetes, and I’m totally going to get it at my local health food store ASAP.
Very true, but this is pretty class-specific. I’m from a very working-class background and didn’t give a thought to getting an epidural during childbirth. Apparently, I should’ve just thought of a stream, “remembered to breathe”, and relaxed and everything would’ve been fine. Hmph. I’ll have to remember that next time.
There may be more nonwhite peoples that are ‘way into’ herb cures & shit like that but that is the authentic stuff.
white folks will fork over good money for a box of asbestos flakes like its the breakfast of champions if it has ‘All Natural’ or ‘Organic’ or some shit like that stamped on it.
Why all ya’ll got to be so white?
There may be more nonwhite peoples that are ‘way into’ herb cures & shit like that but that is the authentic stuff.
white folks will fork over good money for a box of asbestos flakes like its the breakfast of champions if it has ‘All Natural’ or ‘Organic’ or some shit like that stamped on it.
Why all ya’ll got to be so white?
White people take themselves much too seriously, considering how much pot they smoke. Sheez.
I’m white and I think the natural medicine thing is mostly bullshit. Let’s kick ass together.
In this one thing, I think your getting a little ahead of yourself.
Remember the silly people who thought fluoride in our water supply was dangerous? Well they went the way of those Losers who thought lead paint was dangerous. They are resoundingly mocked in Dr. Strangelove. Now, it is admitted that fluorine lowers the bodies supply of iodine. Which messes up the bodies levels of T3 and T4. Which regulars the energy level of EVERY CELL IN THE BODY. Now, what can that do? Basically any bad thing at all. Overweight, low-energy, anything at all. Drop dead tomorrow, sure. So yes, the adding of fluoride to water, combined with “high fructose corn syrup” DID make the poor people fat/low-energy/DIABETIC.
Also, paying $200 dollars for groceries is, sadly, far cheaper than paying a “doctor” or buying “medicine”. After all, let’s put in bluntly, curing a patient doesn’t generate revenue. And doctors and pharmetical companies are a Business. That’s why vitamins have been limited in Europe. You can read up on that easily enough.
This particular trend is a desperate attempt to remove a parasite that has latched on to your neck and is sucking you dry.
I’m white, and everything I’ve read so far here is 100% true, keep up the good work man, don’t know what color you are, if your white, you very self aware, if your not……….
you know too much!!!!
Better:
“After pretending to listen for a little while, tell them that in your culture/home country “[we] MY GRANDMOTHER cured that using a special herbal powder from [insert made up tree] root.””
This is so mean.
lol @ you
Have you completely turned a blind eye to the pharmaceutical-industrial complex?
Muslims distrust pharmacy companies a lot as well and tend to stay away from modern drugs.
hahahahaah this is so funny. folks lighten up. I’m a black woman and I make it a point not to let some of this kinda stuff get to me or be taken too personally. I live in a predominantly white neighborhood that’s been regentrified to the kneel and my white neighbors (all cool as hell) are just like a lot of the points listed.
It’s funny to me. Fortunately my white friends/neighbors are so cool we can have laugh about shyt like this. One Nation People. One Nation.
Adams Morgan
What’s the definition of “White”? It’s a mutable term, no? Are Armenians and western Turks considered white? Southern Italians who look pretty Middle-Eastern? Blue-eyed Brazilians and Lebanese? Multi-ethnic types count? I’m both white and not white, so still trying to figure out if should laugh or be laughed at.
What’s the definition of “White”? It’s a mutable term, no? Are Armenians and western Turks considered white? Southern Italians who look pretty Middle-Eastern? Blue-eyed Brazilians and Lebanese? Multi-ethnic types count? I’m both white and not white, so still trying to figure out if should laugh or be laughed at.
Whoever did this, thank you. I go to Tufts University and i am a small town Nigerian Black girl and i have been made feel less than human for not wanting to go abroad, take a hike, and eat veggies all day and all night. I also hate it when white people tell me about all the Nigerians they know and all the people they know who have been to Nigeria and whether i liked it there.
I think the bottom line is the white people have alot of money and are secretly ashamed of it, thus they try to be very “poor” by eating very little to look skinny, buying expensive clothes that are ripped to complete the poor look. I dont really know what it is.
The bottom line is….everything on here is so true but i think it only applies to rich white people (i supposed 90% of white people). Because when i lived in NJ i didnt get any of this shit.
ya, cuz nobody in NJ is rich and white, right?
im black, but im not jealous of white people like you are. i understand the wish to have money, but that doesnt have anything to do with the color of your skin. youre the worst kind of racist. youre so ashamed of being black butyou dont even know it.
Isn’t it funny that some white people will read this and get so offended because now they feel like the victim? This article is not in any way racist so relax, uptight people. if you can laugh at the chappell show, i’m sure you can take this.
props to the author!
Oh man this stuff is hilarious!
More specifically, you’re really describing the young, university-educated white man. Even more specifically, the hippies, hippie-influenced, and the university professor.
Great stuff! Keep it comin’!
PS-I’m a white university-educated man, and I live in a university town. This stuff is spot-on for those types.
yeah, this is funny and all, but racism is racism even if it is satirical
Wow, thats hilarious.
I am a white guy that admittedly holds a trait or 2 listed, specifically trying to experience a local experience when travelling.
The only thing is, as much as I hate to bring it up… wouldnt it be considered generally REALLY bad to post this kinda stuff on other races/cultures/religions?
Generalizations tend to create differences in people that wouldnt necessarily be different otherwise. I think humans in general tend to do what is expected of them. Basically what I am getting at is that the more articles like this the more it would perpetuate these kinds of stereotypes.
Meh, cest la vie, funny as hell regardless. Maybe the bigger problem is that everyone needs to learn to laugh at themselves as long as it is not intended to hurt anyone.
I like peanut butter no matter who created it.
Cheers
White people like Obama. White people like fixies. White people like Buddhism, yah. White people like getting cappuccino in under three minutes. White people like tote bags. White people like mate (mah-tay) and kombucha. White people like anything that helps us to fool us-selves that we ain’t so white. White people like to say “indigenous” and “diversity.” White people like subscribing to my magazine.
I think that you should change “white people”
But then again you are making people laugh….well most!
“White people love to believe in magic teas”.
Oh how I LOLed!
I thought Barack Obama has run a good campaign for 2008 Democratic primaries, what do you think?
Wait a minute, is there anything as white skin color? I don’t think I’ve seen any white human being on earth but for some reason the so called “White” people are not actually “white” because white is colorless but they have color on their skin.
I think they have to admit that their skin color is not white but somewhat yellow “fair” as we call it in Africa.
I’ll agree with the BlackNigerianFemale that said ” white women tend to look skiny” not because i they don’t have money but because i think they are greedy. and when their greed takes over them, they eat like animals and get fat.
The so called white people always do things to the extrem…take for instance…
A fat white fellow is gonna be very fat while a skiny white fellow will be extremly skiny even to the point u’ll see her bones from their skin.
The point is, they have to admit their colorless skin and work on everyother thing.
No hard filling…
I am black and and I like almost all the things on this list.
What does that mean?
It should be noted that also whites exist OUTSIDE of America. Europeans wouldn’t/don’t partake in half of the things posted on this site. Why don’t you rename it to stuffwhiteamericanslike instead.
ok, thats just straight racist. stfu. now.