#69 Mos Def

In the olden days of white culture, people used to look up to Kings and Princes. These were the people that they adored, and every night they wished and hoped that somehow they could wake up and be just like them. But with Royal Families crumbling, that role has been filled by one man: Mos Def.

He is everything that white people dream about: authentic (“he’s from Brooklyn!”), funny (“he was on Chapelle show!”), artistic (have you heard “Black on Both Sides?”), an actor (“he’s in the new Gondry film!”) and not white (“I don’t see race”).

He has done an amazing job of being in big budget movies (The Italian Job) and having one of his songs become a white person wedding staple (Ms. Fat Booty) but still retaining authenticity and credibility.

If you find yourself in a social situation where you are asked to list your favorite actor or artist, you should always say Mos Def. This way you can name someone that everyone has heard of and you don’t look like you are trying to one up anybody. The only possible negative consequence is some white people might think “I wish I had said that first.”

Read Full Post »

#68 Michel Gondry

In putting together the canon of directors that white people like, we must include Michel Gondry.  He directed such white classics as Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Science of Sleep, and Dave Chappelle’s Block Party.  Oh, that’s right Charlie Kaufman, Gael Garcia Bernal, AND Dave Chappelle – could it get any better for white people?  Oh yes, it can.

You see, Michel Gondry got famous by directing videos for The White Stripes, Massive Attack and Bjork.  These are three bands that, at some point in their lives, all white people have thought were cool.

Between the ages of 16-20, all white people go through a phase where they aspire to become a music video director.  This is followed shortly by a phase where they want to become a regular director. But in both cases, they don’t want to produce generic content, they want to create art.  As a result, the two directors who have achieved this (Spike Jonez is the other) are universally beloved by white people.

If you look at the DVD collection of a white person (even those without a TV), it will contain “The Work of Director Michel Gondry” (pictured).

This can be used to help find common ground with white people.  Talk about how you wanted to direct music videos after you saw Michel Gondry’s video for “Around the World” by Daft Punk.  Then make a joke about how foolish you were at that age and everyone will have a good laugh. But they will also feel your pain about sacrificing your artistic dreams.

The observant among you will probably be aware that the white person wet dream “Be Kind, Rewind” is about to be released.  This might be the biggest event in white person film since The Royal Tenenbaums.

Read Full Post »

#67 Standing Still at Concerts

Music is very important to white people. It truly is the soundtrack to their lives, meaning that white people are constantly thinking about what songs would be on the soundtrack for the biopic. The problem is that most of the music that white people like isn’t really dance-friendly. More often the songs are about pain, or love, or breaking up with someone, or not being able to date someone, or death.

So when white people go to concerts at smaller venues, what to do they do? They stand still! This is an important part of white concert going as it enables you to focus on the music, and it will prevent drawing excess attention to you. Remember, at a concert everyone is watching you just waiting for you to try to start dancing. Then they will make fun of you.

The result is Belle and Sebastian concerts that essentially looks more like a disorganized line of people than a music event.

If you find yourself invited to a concert with a white person, do NOT expect to dance. Prepare yourself for three hours of standing reasonably still. It is also advised to get a beer or (if legal) a cigarette so you have something to do with your hands. Although it is acceptable to occasionally raise one hand and point just above the stage.

Note: the addition of the drug ecstasy changes everything.

Read Full Post »