#70 Difficult Breakups
February 18, 2008 by clander
Prior to engaging in divorce, most white people train for it by engaging in a series of long term relationships that end very poorly. At some point, you will likely encounter a white person who is in the middle of a difficult breakup with a boyfriend or girlfriend.
The suffering of heartbreak is universal, but it is important to be aware that white people thrive during these trying times. If you play your cards right, you can parlay these moments into future favors and valuable trust.
The majority of white person art is created after a difficult breakup; films, indie music, and poetry are all kicked into high production during the end of a relationship. This helps train white people to prepare for the pain that is coming.
Once breakup proceedings have been initiated, a white person is immediately thrust into the center of attention in their circle of friends. During this time, they are permitted to talk at great lengths about themselves, listen to The Smiths, and get free dinners from friends who think “they shouldn’t be alone right now.”
It is imperative that you do not attempt to kick them out of their misery by saying things like “get over it,” “there are other people out there,” or “I don’t want to read your poem.” Implying that there things in the world more important to you than their breakup is considered one of the rudest actions possible.
If you are lucky enough to speak a second language, the best thing you can do for a white person in this situation is to give them an expression in that language that relates to breaking up. This will make them feel better since they are comforted by the gesture and happy to be learning a new sentence that they can reuse to with their friends.
damn i hate it when u hit home - so frigging true
This is bullshit! There is never an excuse to listen to The Smiths!
ahahahahaha good one
I pooped my pants
Me too
i just took the smiths out of my player - damn u
Dude, white people really suck don’t they.
Somehow I keep getting the idea that you’re really mocking 20-30something hipsters from Soho more than anyone else though.
ooh, are you from new york?
just hipsters in general. this site is more like stuff hipsters like.
C’est la vie!
I love the little bits at the end, like little action plans. Mockery as it may be, some of those little advices are really good ideas.
I saw the page for the first time and saw the picture before knowing what I was looking at. My heart leapt within me, and I said, “I LOVE MOS DEF!”
Then I realized what the blog was about.
White people will never admit they like breakups! Break ups are painful! And also, white people are not allowed to admit they are masochistic unless they are gay. In that case it actually makes them more interesting.
White people are, however, allowed to be masochistic in the bedroom since the pioneering work of the Marquis d’ Sade. They are not to be told that beating the sh*t out of your partner might hurt their relationship, because they believe that you prove you are something ‘authentically’ by doing the opposite. For instance, you prove you’re really a man by being ‘comfortable’ doing unmanly things. It is likely that this is the result of a long-running practical joke by a particularly clever white person, who probably revolted and voted for Barry Goldwater.
It is essential that white people continue this way, or otherwise they would become aware of the fact that they really only love themselves (like we love France) and they really don’t need another person to assure them of this by making demands of them that they will not meet and reciprocate with demands that also will be unmet. If white people discovered this they would probably start going to church and then find out that their church actually sucks except on Easter and Christmas. And that they actually can’t collect beautiful, matching Buddha statues and take communion in good conscience.
White people find Wicca and Spiritism fascinating and would be disturbed if they understood the role of doing strange, eccentric and narcissistic things in destroying relationships. If they found this out, fifty percent of white people would be honest with themselves and just become Wiccans.
Also, blogs exist because white people love posting comments on things and reloading the page a thousand times to see if someone responded. If they didn’t the white person feels bad and posts another comment.
The best solution is to post a follow up comment like
[white person's handle]: lol
White people decry the degeneration of language of language in Ebonics but not in various internet and government acronyms.
If you use something ‘hip’ in your response the white person will feel better, since it will make them think a person of color appreciates their comments.
lol
It simply doesn’t get any better than this, fellows. Don’t stop until you’ve turned over every last pebble of what we like. And try to draw it out as long as possible.
I always cringed when people said a breaker-upper “shouldn’t be alone right now”. If this person is so suicidal that a breakup would push him or her over the edge, then maybe he or she should always be watched for signs of despair.
RiverC: fly
>White people find Wicca and Spiritism fascinating and >would be disturbed if they understood the role of doing >strange, eccentric and narcissistic things in destroying >relationships. If they found this out, fifty percent of white >people would be honest with themselves and just become >Wiccans.
RiverC: wtf?
It will be mandatory for the coco-brown master race to place a jar of mayonnaise on the TOMB of the WHITE crackers which will be in the form of a TOASTER.
Like a bubbling mass of starter yeast the dominant genes in the semen of the brown and black man will bread out the recessive genetics of the melanin-challenged loafers.
Rise up and impregnate all white girls, I get 7-8 white girls pregnant per week, it is my life’s work. I also have 17 children in my own melanin-soaked family and each of my sons are also involved in kneading the seed into the “whetto” furrow.
Do the math while we do your women…
Clapping honkeys love to clap in unison to ne music at all. Clap Clap Clap
Try to limit updates to one a day. You will run out of ideas before this blog can reach its maximum audience.
Ummm….I don’t think this is limited to white people. I watch Cops, and it seems that every single race of people on this earth thrive on messy break-ups, and on Cops, they all seem to take their shirts off and call the po-po too. However, I really don’t see how this is a white thing at all.
Bad Bob! This blog is about being friends with the white people. Some people just want to bone their way out of every problem that comes their way. Yeesh.
I love your comment about the other language! HAH! Hilariously true!
Sarah is completely right: long, messy breakups are not exclusive to any ethnic group. Trying to portray them as such suggests the author just maybe doesn’t have enough to talk about.
A Mexican guy I know was recently left by his wife. His response was “whatever, fuck you.”
Sarah has this big problem with her observations… she’s watching Cops. Cops is basically just a showcase of the biggest dumbasses on earth. The types of ordeals that she sees are pretty much exclusive to dumbasses, and stupidity knows no color or creed. Watching the dregs of every race and assuming that the rest of the people of said race behave similarly isn’t a good way to figure out how people act.
White people love to enact said breakups, with public fights; They JUST love their public fights… getting into or out of a cab… in their apartment living room under mine… on a street corner… but mostly they love to fight and then make up in the rain (according to Hollywood).
Re: an earlier note about clapping. When you see white people clapping in unison to a song, at least one out of three of them will be off beat, making you wonder what song they are can hear. This reflects the actual percentage of white culture that can detect a beat. You can see this phenomenon even in movies that, one would imagine a) can be practiced (!), and b) can be hand-picked, meaning, it could be cast with a false percentage of people who keep a beat. No such luck. Rent Saturday Night Fever - watch the extras! (any movie featuring a white clapping crowd will do.)
There is footage of Ronald Reagan at some Kennedy Center performance noticing he’s off, and trying to get on the beat by vacantly staring at Nancy’s clapping hands. He never succeeds.
A corollary: The remaining part of a clapping white crowd ALWAYS gets excited by their participation and gets ahead of the music; at which point the live act usually just concludes “Fuck that, we’re not playing that fast.” and lets them be off.
Haha lol yeah ‘white people got no rhythm’ - whatever. On the other hand, white people are extremely good at engaging voraciously in pursuits of scientific intellect and advancement, such as studying the intricate workings of the human body and curing complex diseases and developing and mastering technology (including every last component of the very Internet and computer you used to post your comment and even the letters of the alphabet). So you can have your “being good at rhythm”, enjoy it if it makes you feel better, but I have news for you, whites don’t care.
sad, but true. LOL @ “I don’t want to read your poem”…hilarious.
-a black guy who reads this page on occasion
Is there some sort of affirmative action clause for the free eats? I’m interested.
WhitesPeople love their breakups. They will process anything you say at supercomputer speed to find a any any tenuous connection to the recently significant other - “let’s go get some Italian, my treat” is met with “her eyes used to sparkle when she boiled water for mac n’ cheese” or “C’est la vie” comes “We’ll NEVER have Paris”. Just read the fuckin poem.
When white people don’t get something, instead of assuming that the person is a. making sh*t up or b. being derogatory they respond with either ‘wtf’ (if on the internet) or ‘excuse me?’ as though if the person was really doing that they would care if you scorned them.
thank goodness for white people breaking up. what would emo be without them? related: what is the timeline for an ironic emo revival?
Remember what Chief Dan George said in “Little Big Man”: “Yes, the ‘black’ white man; I have heard of them. It is said that a ‘black’ white man once became a Human Being. They are very strange creatures. Not as ugly as the white man true; but they are just as crazy!”
I do love this blog. White people are very annoying, but so are some black-yellow-tan people too. But white people put themselves out there more in some ways, thus the ridicule.
“lol”
RiverC- you try entirely too hard. Start up your own blog to sustain your craving for random feedback. You comb through these comments forming what you consider to be witty rejoinders before you even read the comments all the way through.
And re: Zonk Baraba
Dude, white people really suck don’t they.
______________
I’m sorry. Some people just really don;t know how to tip,
do they?
You forgot to add that the behavior white women display during breaking up has been learned by watching/reading everything out of hollywood and all the crap on TV that caters to women. White women have to act this stuff out in “real” life in order to give their life meaning. I had an ex white chick act out the scene in Sex & The City where one of the crazy white spinster bitches goes running back to Mr. Big. I ain’t Mr. Big, Beootch! Step off! Go do some makeup after the breakup shopping and find another pussified/feminized white boy. I ain’t tha 1! Damn, I just noticed that (as a whitey) I started getting all thuggish when reminiscing about a previous relationship. Maybe whiteys have to prove to themselves they’re “hard” and can “deal” with this shizat! Peace.
I am a white woman who is presently in the hurricane-center of her own masochistically masterminded break-up. Thank you for nudge to use this moment to birth my creativity for profit. Perhaps writing a best-seller book about lying-ass white boys is in the cards for me.
Namaste,
Nakedmessenger
Is “Cops” a show that white people like?
Yeah. Every white person I’ve heard mention their affection for the show says they “like to see people worse off” than them. Isn’t that sadistic?
I find this blog a waste of time and parody of itself. Are you trying to make yourself feel better about making fun of white people? Are you trying to atone for the sins of your predecessors? Just what, exactly, is the point of all this? Satire? Parody? Pushing the envelope? I’m sure the other commenters who use racial slurs about white people don’t really mean what they say…like calling white people “crackers”…like the idiot poster “Bob Blanche”.
Here’s what it’s REALLY all about…semper fi…
“I am Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, your senior drill instructor. From now on, you will speak only when spoken to and the first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be “Sir”…do you maggots understand that? … Bullshit! I can’t hear you! Sound off like you got a pair!
If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon, you will be a minister of death, praying for war. But until that day, you are pukes; you are the lowest form of life on earth. You are not even human fucking beings. You are nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian of shit.
Because I am hard you will not like me. But the more you hate me, the more you will learn, I am hard, but I am fair. There is no racial bigotry here. I do not look down on niggers, kikes, wops, or greasers. Here you are ALL equally worthless and my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved Corps. Do you maggots understand that? Bullshit1 I can’t hear you! What your name, scumbag?… Bullshit. From now on you’re Private Snowball. Do you like that name? Well there’s one thing you won’t like Private Snowball…they don’t serve fried chicken and watermelon on a daily basis in my mess hall.”
Cops is definitely white. You just can’t beat the moralizing lectures after they have busted “the perp.” It’s not just enough to do their jobs, they have to explain why its wrong to smoke crack and lie to cops.
Havisham: I was having a make-fun-of-myself party, any you weren’t invited. Ever.
Also, it’s possible that you don’t understand ’self-deprecating humor’ or ‘irony’ - neither of which college seems to help people understand.
On the other hand, I already contribute to and own a number of blogs.
Random feedback is interesting, which is quite unlike the comment you have offered.
This is the real deal. Memories are important to several white people, especially negative ones.
A white person: Can’t we just make fun of white people in peace? Step off, yo.
Oops, there we go with the trying to be ‘hard’ thing.
There are two kinds of white people who post here:
1. The idiot who is pissed off that we’re laughing at them.
2. The idiot who thinks we’re laughing with them.
Funny. Maybe when you evolve a bit more Rashawn you will realize there are people who do not CARE if you are laughing WITH them or AT them—as long as you are laughing. Lighten up–your comment already proved you are not superior–as YOU seem to think….(hee hee hee..HEE HEE HEE)
I am really amazed. What an inspiration!
Rashawn: White people think they are clever when they convert a perfectly good paragraph into a numbered list. They LOVE numbered lists - so much that in fact that there is a whole kind of torture for writers they developed called ‘creating outlines.’ Like bad piano lessons, children are subjected to it in the hopes that somehow building up their self esteem will make them learn things that are basically unlearnable.
Haha shoot. Totally right on. You should have mentioned that Latin (or French, in a pinch) is the best language for the slogan, though.
Only Dr. Phil/Oprah/Martha Stewart-watching White people act like this. Usually WP handle things decently although some do persist in acting like ..well.. Non_White people. I mean, hey, it’s a free country (sort of) , but if you aren’t going to at least act White, don’t hold yourself out as such. Ya know?
I came upon this site today. Astonishingly (or maybe not), I engage in about %75 of the activities/mannerisms/ideals listed here (for the slow, I’m Caucasian).
Ironically, reading this site made me feel much better about my life and my race. I used to feel guilty about all the things white people feel guilty about (as detailed), and attempted to keep an open mind in regards to other cultures. But learning that there will always be people who hate me for what I am regardless of the efforts I make has cured me of this.
I had always intended to give to charity and support/participate in causes aimed at healing race relations in this country when I gained the resources (i.e. once I am no longer in grad school studying writing), but I really don’t think I will anymore. I used to feel bad about the nagging raciest thoughts we all have, but I think now that I’ll embrace them. It seems that they were true after all.
If your objective was parity, mission accomplished. Your material was humorous and shockingly relevant. If your objective was promoting understanding… well, I guess I now understand more than I really wanted to.
Thank you for easing my mind. Though I might as well thank you for closing it.
Excuse me if I missed the sarcasm, but:
You’re telling me that although you’re in grad school (I doubt it), a fucking blog changed your paradigm? As you say it, your whole character was hinged on gaining acceptance (another white person quality), but now you’ve quit because you’re not getting a pat on the head anymore. Maybe you should still do the charitable shit you wanted to do, but instead of doing it for Angelina Jolie reasons (I hate that chick), do it because you love to
On the race of the blogger
The blog links to a photo set by “jess” under the flickr account name “jslander”. I assume the author is white.
i dig this page, but it seems like you should call attention to the classed dimensions of the critique you are making of whiteness. You are really hitting on a particular strand of white moneyed hipsters (which _Radar_ excoriated as “NPRents” a couple of issues ago). Where I come from, white people like Ambrosia, Jerry Springer (yes, still), lifted trucks, going to “the river,” and the Outback Steakhouse.
That being said, I would add Woody Allen, James Brown, and debating at the dinner table.
You’re right… you’re right. Although your definition of whiteness is pretty limited, as elucidated above, it does nonetheless portray a certain, fairly large group of people wincingly accurately.
Like me, half the time.
In response to #32 A White Person- add Stanley Kubric Movies to the list.
Wow # 32 (A White Person) you need to lighten up and laugh more ….which, to answer your question, is what this site is for.
Put the gun down, and start laughing.
[...] out today’s item: #70 Difficult Breakups. I nearly nodded my head off because I know people who do that. Posted by Sylvia/M Filed in [...]
for #42, add using the outdated term “Caucasian.”
Ooops! When I saw the title page with the Sushi, dogs, the seashore, the fresh vegetable stands, I thought this site was about “Stuff BLACK People Like.” You know, like Tiger ‘n Venus ‘n those guys. I’m sorry. I just get so confused when I try to sort out human beings by racial typing, genetics or gender ‘n stuff. My Bad. Nevermind. It’s probably just me… j.a.z.
[...] each day the blogger lists something that white people like. Today’s entry is ‘Difficult Breakups‘. Here’s the [...]
“Haha shoot. Totally right on. You should have mentioned that Latin (or French, in a pinch) is the best language for the slogan, though.”
Spanish is gaining some currency. Especially if you are a white person with a “diverse group of friends” that includes honorary white people who are all the cooler because they are a black person with professional parents that talks like a valley girl or their parents spoke Spanish to their grandparents when they came to visit them in the suburbs.
Yea, I have lived in California.
Honestly, the all-too-true & damning allegations and charges brought against whitey on this blog are charges this lilly-white post-ethnic rust belter would have made against his caucasion brothers and sisters after a year in California. The $9 sandwiches, the trendy music, the break up processes… Where I grew up the white boys, when dumped, would set their sights on getting a new girlfriend sooner rather than later… You take your buddies out to get them over it, and score extra points if you can get them a drunken one night stand. I am not saying that was a great idea though…
The “white people” of this blog are by and large 20 & 30something white unmarried yuppies with a distinctive “coastal flair” to them. My Michigan grandmother is just as perplexed by people who take their dogs to pet spas, pay more for jeans than a coffee pot, buy $9 sandwiches, or are militant about recycling like it is part of the war effort. She recycles because you get a deposit back on the cans and old newspapers are collected to support charities at her church…
She is also perplexed that her grandchildren will date the same girl or boy for a few years - even moving in with each other - but don’t just get married and make some babies. “If you are alreadying acting married…” A good factory job that is union and pays overtime is far better to her than an arts degree that has an opportunity cost of 8 years of income.
Maybe my grandma isn’t white after all… But then why can’t I tan?
This is so offensive that it’s brilliant.
I’ve often read that white folks don’t have a culture … that they are just white bread, etc. You are showing that is not true. White folks think they don’t have a culture, but that’s because they live inside it. Like fish don’t know they are in water. It’s the culture everyone else in the world wants to get by immigrating here.
Racistm111!1oneone1!
Trauma Art. Yeah, some (white) friends introduced me to it. It’s something else.
stuffblackpeoplelike - eating watermelon! hahaha!!!
stuffarabpeoplelike - pumping oil! hahaha!!!
stuffblackpeoplelike - gang warfare! hahaha!!!
stuffmexicanpeoplelike - eating beans! hahaha!!!
stuffchinesepeoplelike - shooting heroin! hahaha!!!
stuffblackpeoplelike - welfare! hahaha!!!
stuffjewishpeoplelike - keeping money! hahaha!!!
stuffmexicanpeoplelike - wearing sombreros! hahaha!!!
stuffchinesepeoplelike - eating rice! hahaha!!!
stuffarabpeoplelike - kissing goats! hahaha!!!
stuffmexicanpeoplelike - wearing sombreros! hahaha!!!
stuffblackpeoplelike - sniffing glue! hahaha!!!
aren’t i funny and clever!!!
don’t you dare call me a racist!!!
crazy
you forgot to add that white people enjoy being “shocked and appalled” at the existence of racism, over and over again.
it is why they loved Roots in the 1970s and why they love the Wire today.