#80 The Idea of Soccer
March 3, 2008 by clander
Many white people will tell you that they are very into soccer. But be careful, it’s a trap.
If you then attempt to engage them about your favorite soccer team or talk about famous moments in soccer history, you are likely to be met with blank stares. This is because white people don’t actually enjoy watching soccer, they just like telling their friends that they are into it.
In fact, the main reason white people like soccer is so they can buy a new scarf. As you may or may not know, many soccer teams issue special scarves, and white people cannot get enough of them!
Most white people choose a favorite soccer team based on either a study abroad experience or a particularly long vacation to Europe or South America. When they return, they like to tell their friends about how great “football” is and that they are committed to ‘getting more into’ now that they have returned home.
Some white people take this charade so far as to actually play in adult soccer leagues or attend a local professional match.
The best method for exploiting this is to ask a white person who their favorite football team is and how they came to be fans. This will allow them to tell you about their time abroad and feel as though they have impressed you with their knowledge. Once they have finished talking, it is acceptable to ask for favors.
Note: Europeans are actually into Soccer and are exempt from this entry, however they are free to use it to their advantage when in North America.
i used to live across the street from a big soccer complex.
Oh! the women and their visors!
The men with their polo tees tucked into their khaki shorts!
S.U.V.s lining the streets, creating horrible traffic jams taking up all the space, white people as far as the eye could see, jay-walking with little Brad and Amber in shin guards- lots of close calls …
i hated that crap and was thrilled to move away from there.
you forgot to mention that EVERY white person played soccer as a kid
I’m gald this catagory is included. I used to work w a guy (white and “knows” everything ’bout someone else’s culture) who have been playing soccer for years and of course belong to a local league. The thing is…if he’s been playing soocer for so long, his legs look like girls legs, skinny and flimsy. If you ever seen “real” soccer players (and i don’t mean professionals) they have huge legs. That’s soccer player!!!
You clearly haven’t seen Peter Crouch
Peter Crouch is an exception. Check Roberto Carlos’ legs.
Wrong. Too busy playing tackle, American football where if you “acted” hurt you had some coach injecting his shoe in your bunghole. Or did I confus that story with my Saturday night last weekend?
first!
i just listened to the npr interview. i liked the lady who really enthusiastically said how much she loves to laugh at herself. you can write about overexuberant
and i really hated the gentrification and no tv posts. the wes anderson/standing still at concert posts both grazed me, but those others hurt me bad
and i agree with comment 67 on #73 - sell out while you still can
Ha! Second!
This one is a real eye opener. I thought i knew a lot about white people, what with their cultural hegemony and all. Thanks for the heads up!
Don’t forget the usage of foreign/obscure footballer shirts taken from clubs around the world as a means to showcase ones status as cultured/well traveled.
uhh, not first
Just so you know, there are plenty of white people who aren’t also stupid and don’t like soccer, or even the idea of soccer.
Hahaha, so damn true. I have so many friends who say they love Manchester United ONLY after visiting London for the semester abroad.
FYI, Man Utd is not from London but from Manchester.
“Hahaha, so damn true. I have so many friends who say they love Manchester United ONLY after visiting London for the semester abroad.”
“FYI, Man Utd is not from London but from Manchester.”
If only people could see the irony…
Couldn’t they have studied in London, but visited Manchester, where they acquired a taste for European foozball?
I know Manchester United is from Manchester.
And yes - I was referencing my friend who had studied in West London, went to one football game, and automatically became a “huge fan”.
I bought A Real Madrid scarf at a game in Spain. I am such a douche.
Are you kidding?! This is brilliant. Now I know what to get John and Brad and Katie for Christmas.
I almost got a mini-Liverpool scarf once in Prague. it was like 12 inches long. that was just after they won the CL in ‘05…
ya but considering there are 5 top level teams in London its kinda sad
Not necessarily. There aren’t many Man Utd fans in Manchester. Most of them live in London or the south East.
Dylan, you are either ignorant or have swallowed a myth. I am Manchester born and bred. 4/5ths of our city is United. True Mancs are winners.
ok so true….
manchester is one of the best if not the best u.k. team BUT they suck anyway i dont care what you say… plz if ur gona act like u kno stuff bout soccer or ur a HUGE fan or u even like it the tinest biut dont b stupid and say the best teams or ur fav team is a u.k. team cus then u just sound like a fool and all real soccer players r laughing in their heads at u while u tell them
p.s. real soccer players kno when someone likes or keeps up with soccer and they kno if ur lying and saying ur a fan so dont even go there and say u do cus then they talk bout u behind ur back or make fun of you
so those of u who do do that … haha
Actually, it’s not irony, it’s ignorance - much like your misuse of the word irony.
ok so true… but manchester is ont of the best or the best u.k. or european team but they suck anyway if ur gona pretend like u like or kno alot about soccer dont waist ur time by saying u like european or ECSPICIALY u.k. teams cus u just sound like a fool!!!!!!!!!!!! If ur gona try and act like u kno what ur talkin bout at least pick a good team so actual soccer players or fans wont b laughing at you ion their heads african or south american teams could beat any european team (other than mayb ITaly) any day
blair i think your proving your one of the “fans”. Italy are a bunch of flops and the teams in the uk are some of the best in the world provided your talking about club teams (the semis of the champions league prove me right)
i am so getting one of those scarves!
but get a mini-one,
for your chihuaha.
It means that was my mistake to believe what some of my friends from US said that they and many Americans as well like Soccer very much like Europians do and they may do anything to see the match of their favorite team?
Please tell White people that I will buy them Scarf but enjoy soccer. It is my favorite game.
Asians love soccer too, but the recent trend has gone towards basketball: http://www.thinkunique.net/stuffasianpeoplelike/2008/02/23/12-basketball/
=)
Peter.
the idea of falling in love with manchester united after visiting LONDON makes me physically ill.
Another quality entry. I love how they build off previous posts. After living in Barcelona for a year I got into soccer, and once I returned I tried to keep up with La Liga by watching some obscure soccer channel. Good times. Now, I’m in Japan having a field day with the Japanese ladies.
God, I’m so white.
Do they really like Nascar racing?
http://stuffeducatedblackpeoplelike.wordpress.com
This is so funny. Because when I come to think of it, your right!
- http://wweadam.com
Yeah, the more I read this site the more I find I fit into the stereotype. I…studied abroad in Russia (does that count as Europe or Asia?), and got a scarf for the Zenit.
Of course, I never claimed to like soccer; the fans were unintentionally hilarious, but the game was dull.
dear lord! hahaha…i once had an ex boyfriend (white) who basically lied to me about his love of soccer and his skills so he could get a date with me ( a latin girl who likes and plays soccer)….he neither loved or could play soccer.
…the european ex boyfirend actually did love and played soccer REALLY well…so yes Euros should be exempt from this one.
Actually, We should just include White from the US….
Can white people who like soccer name any teams that actually play in London?
I know Arsenal and Chelsea do.
Chelsea, Arsenal, Tottenham, West Ham, Fulham, Burnett, Milwall, Queens Park Rangers, Brentford, Charlton, Crystal Palace, Sutton, and I’m sure there are more smaller teams in the area too.
Also, I’m from Wisconsin and grew up on Brett Favre.
Sutton? I was almost born in Sutton, but there isn’t a maternity unit there so I was actually born in Carshalton. I don’t think Sutton have a footie team worthy of note.
I’m a Limey, so I think all this ’soccer’ stuff is hilarious. We British don’t understand American football, either, but you’ll still find wankers who think they do and will tell you all about it if you don’t stop them. I guess it’s an international problem.
I myself have a deep love of the Kazakhstani game of F’tang F’tang, which is like pool but played on horseback with a golf-club instead of a cue. The smell of horseshit still brings back happy memories of controlling my mettlesome stallion with knees alone as I swung my five-iron and hit a three-bumper shot to pot the black and win. Ah! Happy days!
wow thats impressive you know your english football cold- or at least the london teams
That’s “Barnet.”
And don’t forget the mighty Dagenham & Redbridge…through that might be considered Essex.
/Londoner, entitled to football snobbery
I love SWPL, and I find myself agreeing with about 90-95% of it. West Ham United for Life!
Curbs suck c*ck
White people think of soccer as an excellent diversion for white, multi-lingual children. As entertainment for white adults, well, it don’t pass the smell test. F’r instance, the best (y’know, uh, black) athletes don’t bother with it. You’re right, white soccer fans try to tie their adopted teams in with study abroad, and then there’s the whole “being the only white person around,” from what I hear about the DC soccer team…
Wait, did you say black people don’t play soccer?
how about this?
Eddie Johnson is a black American who plays for a soccer team in London!
I think there are a lot of african players you would disagree with you on that
everyone’s copying out layout.. weird… especially that stuff educated black people like.
crystal palace, QPR, leyton orient, wycombe wanderers, millwall (nobody likes us we don’t care), brentford, fulham, charlton, west ham, spurs, the fuckin’ gooners, the even worse chel$ki scum…
anyway, fake fans of football upset me. thank you for this.
This is just one example of a more general trend: white people in America like to pretend they’re from Europe, in a sense. They don’t go so far as trying to fake accents or birth records, but short of that, they never miss an opportunity to make themselves look more like their European brethren.
Also, what about this whole thing about kissing dogs on the lips? It’s freaking disgusting, and white people love to do it.
So funny; “Note: Europeans are actually into Soccer and are exempt from this entry, however they are free to use it to their advantage when in North America.”
Actually we are into “football” -pronouced “fu-baw” with the “W” just slightly underpronounced - we don’t call it “soccer”. But then again all sorts of people like it and play it not just “white English people”.
Confusingly we call ” rugby football” - rugby and even more confusingly there are two types one is “U” and one is “non U” (as in Mitford). This is what English white people think of as a “joke”
But I suppose the British “white people” equivalent of “soccer” in the US is to talk about “rugby” meaning the version invented in our public (sorry “private” schools) Two nations divided by a common language…..
At these matches all the violence is on the field not on the terraces (bleachers?). Unlike “fu-baw” where the reverse applies and any player who just gets his tiny toes stepped in doubles up in agon-knee ( a special langage of “fu-baw” )needing immediate surgery and headlines in the sports pages with appalling puns.
But I don’t think white people here in England can live up to your white people’s standards as we have bad teeth and our house are so tiny…
i don’t know a single person that likes or claims to like soccer… worst sport ever. if i wanted to watch people run around for an hour for no reason…. well i don’t ever want to do that.
its better than american sports were you get to watch them stand around for one to two hours (and you call it sport)
If anything some of these posts just make me cringe in the same way Barak Obama talks about cringing in his book when people would be like “you must like basketball” or “you can probably sing like Marvin Gaye.”
I’m white, I don’t give a fuck about expensive furniture but would take it if given. I don’t eat expensive sandwiches, but I would if they were given to me. I DO like soccer, I grew up playing it, but we don’t have the majors here like they do in Europe so they have been harder to follow. And I never watched those matches that came on the Spanish channel cause I never understood Spanish (well at least as a kid).
Pierre, Arsenal and Chelsea to name two.
You know why white people think it’s cool to imitate Europeans. CAUSE THEY ARE FUCKING COOL MAN! They have universal health care, they enjoy life, they know 3 languages. Yes, it is a plus to know many languages? And what? Are those bad things?
They are way more liberal than we are. What is not to like?
Sure there are undercurrents of racism there too. They have problems too. They dick-ride American culture too, to an extent.
But hey, they were against the war in Iraq!
Please don’t get back at me by referring to the Nazi’s or some other ignorant shit.
“What’s not to like?”
Liberalism
I am a white person, and I’ve noticed something about your blog: it’s not really “Stuff White People Like”. It’s actually “Stuff Upper-Class White Liberal Yuppies Like”. Where are all the items about rednecks? Nothing about “Stuff Trailer-Dwelling Middle School Dropout White People Like”?
Suggestions:
1. The Republican Party
2. Country music
3. NASCAR
4. The Mormons
5. The Methodists
6. Anything on CBS
Sincerely,
An Upper Class White Liberal Yuppie
ok so in ur words im a “redneck” just cus of the class im in and where i live well ur wrong i dont like that stuf hardley and ur just a hypocritical #&@*!^ stuck up yankee like all other yankees in this country u judge us 4 no reason and i would like 2 add southerners and middle class ppl r nicer, have more heart, are nicer, and are more ginuine than all freaks are anyday but i guess thats bcus we dont have things handed to us and or husbands arent makin croocked deals in buisness to get us a couple more grand a week and we actually work 4 what we want and most of us dont waist our money on plastic surgery or any of that other crap and if u notice all of yall are mean, jerky, snooty, stuck up, big headed, and just dont care bout others or how they feel or if theve been havein a bad day or week or year or live ur just self consumed selfish impostures
Yo I just said the same thing in a different topic.
This blog is funny. So is this one…
http://moveitmoveit.wordpress.com
Football is played by real men in shoulder pads and helmets. Futbol is played by lawn fairies in silky short shorts. ‘Nuff said.
So how come them ‘real men’ need shoulder pads and helmets?
$5 says that dm60462 would get clobbered by a football hooligan.
Lol. Cheers.
well according to your definition of what a real man is Football is played by pansies “real men” play rugby which dosnt have the pads
So let me get tis straight, this site is created by white hipsters to make fun of other white hipsters?
Maybe it goes along with the bikes or with the making you feel bad about not going outside, but white people also really enjoy having lots of gear for outdoor activities. Hence the guy on the subway with carabiners, nalgene bottles and belay rope hanging off of his mountaineering backpack that goes with the $180 hiking boots that he needs to walk the 1 1/2 blocks from the subway stop to his desk job.
Another thing white people like, using the word “hence.”
FALSE - soccer is boring, hockey FTW
A lot of students who have studied abroad in a soccer-playing country will take on that country’s team as their new favorite team.
My favorite team that i know nothing about is the Sydney Football Club.
“So let me get tis straight, this site is created by white hipsters to make fun of other white hipsters?”
I don’t know if it was created by white hipsters, but white hipsters are definitely who it’s making fun of. Maybe “Stuff White Hipsters Like”.