#86 Shorts
March 11, 2008 by clander
One thing prized by white people is making the most of situations. They like to maximize opportunities for all that they are worth. It applies to jobs, vacations, investments, books, education, and perhaps most importantly, warm days.
After a prolonged cold snap, white people are very excited at the first hint of a warm day. It is their opportunity to go back outside, to enjoy nature and thrive.
In order to get the most possible enjoyment out of these days, white people turn to one of their most trusted allies: shorts.
It is a known fact that white people believe that they can bring spring early by wearing a pair of shorts on any day that is above seasonal temperatures. This myth runs so deep that they will often wear shorts the following day when temperatures drop, at which point they will refuse to recognize that it is cold.
When you encounter a cold white person in shorts it’s best to say “I can’t wait until it’s warm enough to go windsurfing.” They will likely give you a high five.
White people in shorts = white legs
I’ve got white legs and obsessively wear sunscreen. Pale will come into fashion at some point!
I’m the crazy woman wearing shorts with pockets I’ve never used and a sweater/sweatshirt when it gets over 40. I love shorts.
GOD I WISH I WAS BLACK, THEY ALWAYS LOOK TAN, IN SHORTS
NOT US PASTY WHITE CELLULITED WHITE PEOPLE LEGS, CAn’t SEE THE CELLULITE THAT MUCH, WHEN YOUR BLACK.
oh to be black………
you’r nuts haaahahaahaaa
it is a proven fact that if you live in cleveland, wearing shorts on the one freak 60 degree day in february means only six more weeks of winter.
Ha, I’m only half white, and I live near Akron, and I do that. Actually, that one day in February where it was like, 68 I took the top off my convertible. I don’t even think that’s a white person thing - it’s pretty much an Ohio thing.
I won’t even wear shorts, not only because my legs are whiter than anyone in America but they are also the ugliest in the world. While I am thin, my legs look like upside down carrot sticks…absolutely no shape whatsoever. Just white and ugly. Good thing I have big boobs! (of course I still wouldn’t wear shorts-maybe after a few margaritas I might wear capris but it’s not likely).
I live in Texas so this is a big problem not wearing shorts. Self tanner, ewwww, smells like fly spray. Can’t recommend it. Not gonna happen.
Brrrrrr
Not too short though…
haha so true, this is me entirely! yes i have white legs julie, but at least I’m happy with my legs. i will constantly wear shorts on “warmer” days of winter just to spite my friends and mother nature. unfortunately for me, she never listens and winter continues.
omg, i used to work with a guy who wore shorts all year round. only one time in like 4 feet of snow did i see him wear pants.
… i am white… and since today is the first sunny day in quite a while, i am in fact… wearing shorts.
They also love to go jogging with the minimum amount of clothing in winter conditions. This shows the world as well as potential mates that they will look much better naked, and be way more fit than you are, because they would sell their souls to do that.
hilarious!
yeah, i never really understood this one…
I do the same thing, but it’s with sandals. In the South you may hear someone exclaim on the first really warm day, “You done let your feet out!” And once you let your feet out, you can’t put them back in until October.
More specifically, Jean Shorts… you wouldn’t believe the number of 30+ year olds who still wear those.
noticed were getting near a hundred, hopefully you cover the topic of good traffic. If a white person goes traveling they wont talk about where they went but how good or incredibly bad the traffic was. they will keep those stories in their long term memory while the trip itself will quickly be forgotten
Unless of course, said white people are in Europe. In which case, they would not even bring a pair of shorts, lest they be mistaken for the wrong kind of white person. Swim trunks and speedos or any other beachwear notwithstanding
I have a ton of shorts in my closet…..love shorts. From Nebraska (Which probably means I am white) and I don’t think it’s cold unless you can see your breath! Go Shorts!!!!
This site rocks….everyday I read this without fail. Keep it going and don’t listen to the morons on here that talk trash!
Don’t forget flip flops! Those usually accompany the shorts. However, I think flip flops probably deserve a separate post, since white people love them so much.
I’m white, and I wear flip-flops in the winter! Shorts, not so much, but I am old. Old, old, old. I have seen the future, and it is Old…
I co-sign that Roise
Since I’m over 40 we used to call flip flops “thongs”. My daughters quickly put a screaching hault to that!
I will never own flip flops. They’re ugly, and the culture that has evolved around them (casual everything) is uglier.
Yup - the husband is in shorts - the kids are naked, and I’m in a wool sweater.
that is a bald-faced lie sir! only the most despicable of white persons besmirches our good name by such an act!!!
This definitely has a ring of truth to it and could also apply to flip-flops. At the first hint of warm weather people will be out in flip-flops (present non-white company included).
High five! I (black chick) wear flip-flops 10 mos a year…jan & feb are hell! i never did understand why the white chicks at my school work shorts with sweaters though lol
White people like khaki shorts. Under no circumstances do they wear jean shorts, lest they be confused for Hispanic. White people only wear khaki shorts — the more useless pockets, the more preferable.
One time I got “golf shorts” I felt too white and weird. Stay away from these shorts, I implore you.
I am still waiting for the post about mopeds. I am from Oregon, born and raised, and lived in Portland for quite some time. Now then, upon moving to Portland and right in the heart of white people culture on an avenue known as Hawthorn I was in for immediate cultural shock having grown up in a Mexican community. I noticed many things, skinny people with tight pants and shirts, vintage and printed, floppy hair, dread locks and the likes. But one thing I noticed above all was that many of these people rode vespas and mopeds. Now, my brother has immersed himself in this culture…he owns a moped and attends moped rallies! What is the deal! Explain to me please the cultural importance of these funny little bikes!
Yesterday it hit 30 degrees for the first time in months here in Minneapolis. And wouldn’t you know it - I saw someone in shorts. And a t-shirt. Of course he was white.
White people definitely like cargo shorts. They also like this site…
http://moveitmoveit.wordpress.com
Burnside: totally wrong about cargo shorts, the only problem tying to find a store that sells anything but those.
Every time I see this it drives me crazy. Put some clothes on I say!
http://www.IGotUGGs.com
http://www.BehindtheApprovalMatrix.com
in an ironic way, this blog portrays all white people as smart nerdy people. honestly there is a large part of white people who watch trashy TV, don’t think twice about eating from McDonalds and for the first paragraph of this the blog does not fit neither:
“One thing prized by white people is making the most of situations. They like to maximize opportunities for all that they are worth. It applies to jobs, vacations, investments, books, education, and perhaps most importantly, warm days.”
i mean that’s saying asian and black people don’t like to make most out of a situation?
This blog is racist.
I totally agree with Iris…I am totaly offened by this site. I am a white female who has lived in the south all my life. I don’t drink coffee..I do dance at concerts…I’ve never been to a film festival…I don’t eat organic food….i have to say that if I was to start a site called “What Black People Like” I would be called a racist before anyone even read what was posted. I wish I would have never heard about this site….
There is actually a site call “Stuff Educated Black People Like”, and being an educated Black person I think both sites are really funny.
http://stuffebplike.com/
Shorts! Yesssssss!
Nice!
http://www.jonesview.wordpress.com
Don’t forget that white people Love to talk about the elements in houses. Hardwood floors, built-ins, granite, wainscoting, prefab, recessed, etc. And I think white people love period talk when it comes to houses. A realtor can upsell anything that is considered “prewar.”
Above all, I think white people love built-ins.
Yes, only white people enjoy shorts. This blog has gone from creative,witty and pretty accurate to lazy, overplayed and pedantic.
I am suprised I haven’t seen “writing a snarky blog” on here yet….seems like the whitest thing one can do.
Word.
I was always amazed at the cargo shorts in cold weather with a long sleeve shirt. Wierd if you ask me.
http://www.platenuts.com
Here’s a good example of “but i’m black-blue-brown and i like shorts does that mean i’m white?” being irrelevant.
lotta people wear shorts but only pathologically WHITE guys do so in the manner indicated. Meaning it is not a simple matter of saying, “It’s a nice day for wearing shorts.” and doing so but they are making some kind of statement to the universe at large, “I am WHITE! My life is so boring I am compelled to do arbitrarily oddball things to supplement my lack of personality.”
shit like that.
crazy white folk….
I have been reading this blog, non white african actually in africa and i would say most of it is soo true, I think this blog has made me love white people
But just so you know, this blog isn’t really about white people in general. It should be titled: “Stuff Yuppies Like.” This list has no relation to what the majority of white Americans like. But you’re right, it is strangely endearing.
Shorts must be worn *with sweaters* at the first hint of spring. Winter-pale legs must be sunned so that white people can get a ‘base tan.’
Can’t say I really blame those who live in cold climates for wanting to maximize skin-time. And you need to send out some mating signals in the spring after spending the winter looking like a bundle of indeterminate gender.
OMG RACIST!!! It’s borderline absurd how many people seem to take this blog seriously.
“borderline absurd”…THANK YOU!!!
Please people, stop taking yourselves/others so seriously.
This is meant for a laugh and clearly, the “Politically Correct” brainwashed segment of our population is here in full force.
I actually heard someone whisper this at my work…
“He’s from, you know, {Mexico}”. Super Hushed Voice.
And I said, “Really, I think that means he’s —MEXICAN. It’s not a bad thing to say, it’s geographically correct”.
Political correctness is just another from of censorship.
Love this site and its “irreverence”.
omg, this is why i love this site- the truth just bowls you over.
Haha, in the UK it’s flip flops, bare feet and flip flops out at the first light of the sun in January.
That’s white folks for you.
It was supposed to be warm today and I am rocking the shorts.
I remember, very clearly, as a pasty child in New England, busting out the shorts every year in, let’s say, early March. It was Spring!
Actually, it was about 48 degrees, and I would freeze my ass off in the back yard, but it’s another case where this blog is DEAD ON. My parents still joke about how they would know that the Earth must have returned to some point in its orbit that marked the end of Winter whenever the shorts came out.
can we talk about a related phenoma, white college girls without coats wearing skimpy clothes to go to clubs/parties in the dead of winter?
love the site, very entertaining. keep ‘em comin’
hilared, there is nothing wrong with that.
This is so true! Okay, I live in a big west coast city. And there are people…now that I think about it, only white people…and they wear shorts YEAR ROUND. I mean, even in December. One woman I know through a friend and see from time to time actually commented on the fact that she “has to wear shorts every day.” Is this a sign of mental illness? Because even though we get a lot of good weather, we get a lot of freezing weather as well. There is no way, noooo waaay that these people aren’t freezing and extremely physically uncomfortable at least 120 days of the year {and that is a generous, pared down number assuming it is only cold four months in a row and all those months are only 30 days}. WTF?! ps> I’ve seen this cut across all age and gender groups.
Here is something I posted in the past about how much I hate people in shorts.
http://makingitrain.blogspot.com/2008/02/hating-it-rain.html
http://makingitrain.blogspot.com
updated daily.
cargo shorts and an old hoodie, flip flops is the most comfortable combination in 48-65 degrees. Especially when my legs are still all pale with dry winter skin.
I get more annoyed with those white folk who refuse to wear shorts in 90 degree weather. no, for them its skinny jeans black t shirts and perhaps a scarf.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before:
White people love making money! Case in point - this blog! Ever wonder why many of the posts are irrelevant and not that funny or “satirical”? Here’s a clue - Google Ad Sense (Google it if you haven’t heard). With nearly 11 million hits (as of 10:30am on 3/11), and I’m sure millions more to come, this kid has duped you all into making him a shit ton of money! All he needed was the right formula - a blog that was provocative enough that people would send the link to their friends, yet obvious enough that people could be validated by it daily, and feel smart by leaving pithy/inane/racist comments. What could be more provocative in America than talking about race, especially whiteness? What could be more validating than discovering subtle ads related to the blog content? I’m sure plenty of you suckers have clicked on them.
Hahaha. I wish I was as smart as this kid!
RE: #39
No, we can’t.
I can’t believe all the peeps ranting on racism that haven’t picked up on the obvious SEXISM that exists in this Blog.
Many of these white stuffs pertain only to mails.
Keep chicks out of it!
i say that for there own goods.
Also - flip flops.
No lie - I was in Vermont, 18 degrees outside. White dude was walking around in shorts and flip flops.
I absolutely HATE shorts and I’m white. But I do love wearing a skirt when the weather just gets warm enough…. so maybe it’s the same principle.
Dear “Fish Noir Foul”,
Your grammatical skills make me shudder.
Your blog is some of the funnies sh*t I’ve read in a long time. Thanks! You made my morning!
Ryan that be ’shutter’ you idiot
shud·der
–verb (used without object) 1. to tremble with a sudden convulsive movement, as from horror, fear, or cold.
–noun 2. a convulsive movement of the body, as from horror, fear, or cold.
shut-ter
–noun 1. a solid or louvered movable cover for a window.
2. a movable cover, slide, etc., for an opening.
3. a person or thing that shuts.
Ryan was right…your grammatical skills make me shudder, too.
I hope English isn’t your first language.
you need to qualify this: white MEN love to wear shorts. it’s a guy thing; women will turn to skirts or flouncy summer dresses, at least, adult women.
This guys a genius. Ive often wondered about the shorts + sweatshirts. If it’s cold enough to have on a sweatshirt, isn’t it too cold for shorts…If its warm enough for shorts, isn’t it too hot for a sweatshirt?
White people love Rainbows too. (but so do I)
I like the winter, but I am really looking forward to a time where I can wear shorts & go without socks. Gawd, how I hate wearing socks. I have khaki shorts and jean shorts.
there’s always “that guy” that busts out the jorts when it’s 55 degrees….
The British (notorious white people) conquered something like half the Ear