#87 Outdoor Performance Clothes
March 11, 2008 by clander
As white people get older, they like to make clear boundaries between their professional and personal lives. They don’t mind talking about their personal life at work, but they hate talking about their work life when they are enjoying a weekend or vacation. But with blackberries and laptops, white people could be working anywhere, at any time. So how do you know when they are off the clock? It’s easy, check their clothes.
When white people aren’t working, they generally like to wear Outdoor Performance Clothes. The top suppliers of these garments and accessories include North Face, REI, Mountain Equipment Co-Op, Columbia Sportswear, and Patagonia.
When you see white people wearing these, it is important that you do not discuss business matters. Instead you should say things like “where did you get that fleece?” and “what’s that thing holding your keys to your shorts?” White people will be more than happy to talk to you about their sustainably produced possessions.
The main reason why white people like these clothes is that it allows them to believe that at any moment they could find themselves with a Thule rack on top of their car headed to a national park. It could be 4:00 p.m. on a Saturday when they might get a call “hey man, you know what we need to do? Kayak then camping, right now. I’m on my way to get you, there is no time to change clothes.”
Though it is unlikely that they will receive this call, White people hate the idea of missing an opportunity to enjoy outdoor activities because they weren’t wearing the right clothes.
If you plan on spending part of your weekend with a white person, it is strongly recommended that you purchase a jacket or some sort of “high performance” t-shirt, which is like a regular shirt but just a lot more expensive.
spontaneous snowboarding ftw!
Wow. Absolutely hilarious. Coming from Alaska I’ve always believed people should have to fill out applications to wear those sorts of clothes. Sadly the public likes to waste money for things they don’t need. Posers.
Doh, I pooped my pants
Here in Denver, folks wear thier technical gear to and from the office, so there’s no real way of telling whether we’re really “working.”
Then again, it could be that we waer our fancy-pantsy outdoor stuff because we see no need to buy some stuffed up wool tweed overcoat when no one gives a damn anyway. We could easily spend that $300 on a few biners or a new pair of hiking boots instead of worrying about what someone thinks of our Northface shell.
Apparently we also don’t give a damn about typing… mine sux.
I don’t know what a biner is, but why spend $300 on hiking boots?
She probably means bindings. They connect to your snowboard and keep your fabulous Burton boots in place. ;p
or biner like carabiner for rock climbing. duh.
“Biner” is definitely a caribiner for rock or ice climbing.
Sad that somehow rock climbing did not make the list of stuff White people love…
Anyway, I resisted fleeces and shells and all of that for a long time after I started climbing, but I have to say that the synthetics and fleeces, etc. do make a lot more sense when one is spending the day outdoors.
These days, the woman I am dating (Asian, of course)frowns on my wearing my comfortable (dry and warm) outdoor gear around NYC - even when I am not working.
Have to give her credit though. I do look better.
Preach it I do shit tons of camping I love REI I have been a member since they began. I she crap tons of people who shouldnt be allowed to come within a mile of the store but there the one jockin our clothes getting into the bmws never touching the backcountry
huh?
giggle
yo dude, I think this article was about you - don’t try to make it an us and them - we are all in this together.
Exactly, all white people love them
HAAAA
HILARIOUS!!!!
Coming from New England states,
and especially on college campuses,
we’re all sporting these lovely “OUTDOOR performance” clothes.
HAAA
Can we include SUV’s in this category? Is there anything more stupid than driving a fourwheel drive assault vehicle in the city? But then, you never know when you might have to go off road in the downtown.
So right…so completly right. Well said.
Agreed! Tank not necessary!
Show me your summit of Denali and then I’ll believe you’re qualified to make that statement…
I always am snowboarding and it’s always quite spontaneous so HA there is spontaneous snowboarding and let’s just say I’m always prepared
yeah. i love being a white person and having outdoor performance gear BECAUSE it is really amazing! i do randomly go snowshoeing and such…but even if i didn’t these clothes are superior….all clothes should be made like outdoor performance clothes….i think a nice starter onto this white person trend is the SIGG bottle…
Yo, about those SIGG bottles… I, too, am intrigued by them: anything more you know about that intrigue?
Woo-Hoo! SIGG Bottles! I have one to match every Patagonia Fleece in my closet… I keep a few stored in my Thule box on top of my Subaru along with my Montrails, flip flops and an extra jacket for those impromptu hikes or trips to the beach. Seriously.
LMAO!
btw i don;t own a northface
willawaw
college white girl staples: a northface (preferably pink) and uggs
Too funny. I read this to my husband and stated that I had my UGGs, but my Northface was purple. His response was that it was because I was only 1/2 white. (I’m 1/2 hispanic, too.)
You make me laugh.
This is too funny! REI rules!
http://www.jonesview.wordpress.com
Holy shit… I’m one of the first.
KINGIEVAN
That’s hilarious. This past Christmas, my wife’s company gave out fleece jackets like the ones in the picture. She contributes to this blog…
http://moveitmoveit.wordpress.com
I think there is some sort of connection between living in cities named “Portland” and wearing high performance, fancy fleece jackets with taped seems and zippers.
Here in Oregon, we even have local brands like Nau, Columbia, Patagonia, and Mountain Hardware. You walk through our fancy district (the pearl) and every lady seems to be wearing a pair of Manolo Blahnik 5 inch heels and an olive green Patagonia fleece shell.
And over in the other Portland (Maine) they love to dress head to toe in nappy old Northface jackets from 1998…. poor people of Maine… so lacking in high style.
I pooped my pants
Uh… “local”? Patagucci was originally creatred by Chouinard in tandem with what is now Black Diamond. Then some jackass sued him, going after the revenue generated by the clothing sales, so he split teh etchnical gear from the fluff. I don’t care where the headquarters are, but Patagonia has not been a “local” brand since that fateful event. The last time they were “local” was when they were located in Boulder, CO and the wool hats were still hand-knit by some chick who lived nearby. People don’t sue “local” brands because they don’t have anything to sue until the big IPO.
Ditto for Nau, Columbia, MountainSmith, and any other company that sells nationwide in REI. Hell, REI has even ceased to be the place I grew up (the “scary” store in downtown Seattle that no longer exists)
REAL men and women make and tape thier own technical gear, like my momma did before REI pussed out and stopped carrying Goretex Fabric and down stuffing.
That was a really white comment. Who actually knows the what Patagucci is, let alone the history!
The best is when they wear mutltiple layers so as to be ready for ANY kind of weather condition. Even at their indoor desk job…..
Omgsh that is the most accurate white person quality ever! That pic is hilarious too, I saw a couple wearing matching red Patagonia fleece’s yesterday!
The last few posts have been kinda lame. Clothes, clothes, clothes. Okay white people like clothes. You know what else white people like? When a blog they keep going to has continuously entertaining posts so that their downtime can be filled with filling their brains with useless information and jokes. Funny story though…i’m black.
see: Perez Hilton
I love this website/blog. I hope their new entries continue to be dope.
In Seattle, people even wear their North Face jackets (and it’s always North Face) to work. The only excuse for not doing this is if you are over 50 and/or have to wear a suit. I guess the idea is that if you wear a blazer over your slacks and dress shirts, everybody will know you’re going to the office whereas the North Face jacket is supposed to say “surprise, my office is in a tent/kayak”. I guess this beats the other traditional Seattle garb of a wool topcoat that’s way too warm for any weather ever encountered here.
Another popular one is the down vest. Even though I’m an owner of one of these contraptions, I’ve yet to figure out what actually makes it so great in any situation other than skiing on a warm day.
I <3 north face!
V, is that a heart or a butt?
Could be a ballsack
rotfl
The down vest is also great when riding a Harley-Davidson in cold weather.
Hear hear! That thing holding keys to my friends’ shorts evaded me for years until I realized it was their connection to a hiking lifestyle that they could swing without pulling a muscle.
And I always feel like the outdoor clothing is an indication that well, we just might have climbed down from the closest snowcapped peak to grab this java at Starbucks. Appearing to be in a state of constant and serious exploration of the outdoors seems to be key.
I love your blog! Reading it while living a middle-of-nowhere town in the Peruvian Andes makes this even more amusing! (And watching my friends take all your instructions very seriously when I translate it for them. I haven’t figured out a way to explain the humorous edge in Spanish yet.)
Stuff White People Like:
Living in a middle-of-nowhere town in the Peruvian Andes.
Reference #7 Diversity, #14 Having Black Friends (or in this case, sweet innocent Peruvian friends, preferably who speak Quechua rather than Spanish, to have cross-cultural friendships with), #71 Being the Only White Person Around.
Stuff White People Like:
Bitching at other people to feel better
BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!
that, made me poop my pants
Can I just say that I hate northface jackets? Ok well, I hate them.
guftaballs for real. it’s a terrible look. the guys are just as bad though. you’re not allowed in big-10 frats unless you’ve got a black denali. i’ve seen packs of 30-plus all wearing identical north face’s and jeans. college BDUs (bar dress uniforms).
Now you are just running out of stuff. Get back to the funny!
They even make those dumb Northface Fleece jackets in little kid sizes. Like it is a genetic trait you can pass on to your children!
Like the being white!
http://gaycondo.wordpress.com
OH, but global brands are local? Mmm-kayyyy. I guess Star bucks is local too, and doesn’t brainwash anyone at all?!?!
Get ye some Danger Monkey and wake up Dudette!
Such fleeces are both extremely light and extremely warm; except for the fact that they are often extremely pricey, I’d say they’re extremely the win.
gaycondo,
L.L. Bean.
end.
Nothing yippies love more than buying a Made in China $350.00 The North Face “X-Treme Super Squall Shell” with their REI Co-Op Membership Card, you know, to give back.
Nevermind lining Mao’s pockets. I need something to wear to the next “Free Tibet” rally!
It could also be that white people want to always create the illusion that they have either just been running outdoors, or ar about to go running outdoors at any moment when they are not being forced to work.
Same for us “other” white people except with hunting/fishing apparel (or anything that looks similar to hunting apparel or is camouflage). Just representin’ where we’d rather be.
Wow, I live in New England and this is true around here.
Damn I’m white and I beez rather eatching cheekin at da local KFC and drinkin a forty of olde english
WTF?
I don’t know a white person who doesn’t own a north face fleece. Because their fleeces far outperform a cheap one from taret
How can a fleece perform? I have a fleece from Wal-Mart that has Scooby Doo on it and I bet it can “outperform” North Face baby!
I think white people also like driving cars that they believe match their lifestyle. Aka, the same white people that like high performance clothing are almost guaranteed to be driving a subaru outback, volkswagon golf, volvo, or saab 9-3. They can often be found driving around with a kayak strapped to the top and no water within 100 miles. Some will even leave their Thule rack on all year just so people know they went on a super sick ski trip once last year.
lolz
oh god this is so true, especially in san francisco. The less rich white people drive a subaru outback or a vw. Richer ones drive a volvo, saab, or prius…. often with a thule rack
Nathan, I believe you are saying some painful truth. At least I hope it is painful to someone.
This one cracks me up. I’ve worked at two REI’s one out in the suburbs where the north face “Denali” jackets must have accounted for 45% of our sales.
The local North Face rep says that as a company they “hate the denali jacket and wish it would “go away”".
I’m ahalf mexican, so this blog is a gold mine of cultural references that I never understood. Thank you so much.
As a White Person, I feel proud to break the stereotype and only wear my Outdoor Performance Clothes when I’m Performing Outdoors.
Of course, that hasn’t happened in four years now. But that time I was on top of a mountain.
“Thule rack”? Looks like the Prius is sporting a Mohawk.
Kata,
Nau.
End.
http://gaycondo.wordpress.com
How could you forget L.L. Bean? That is the very epitome of white kayakness.
High performance clothes are very big in Germany too, signalling that a white person is going out for a walk with dog/mountain bike ride/jog and cannot be deterred from leisure time activities.
I have noticed that the only time my very own husband doesn’t answer his Blackberry is when he is wearing hi-per clothes. You’ve got something there.
Don’t forget Underarmour.
Underarmour is more directed at the… I’m 28, fat, still playing sports guy…. or the “coach” how many dad’s walking around the grocery store need to be wearing moisture wicking UA while reading off of a list his bitch wife printed up for him…. getting kind of cold, may have to go get my north face denali jacket!